Under the Quilt

I'm here. You're here. Let's talk amongst ourselves.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

So this is it, huh?

Welcome to first official post. I'm not sure what I'm going to write, but here goes. I am starting a blog to sort through some feelings I've been dealing with for quite some time now(years in fact). I am the wife of depressive. As anyone out there who has lived with a depressive person knows, it's the pits. Of course we can't tell them that(at least not on a daily basis) as it will send them into a downward spiral. I'm beginning to hate that term by the way. Downward spiral. On top of living with a depressive husband, we have two wonderful children and a pretty decent lifestyle. I guess part of why I wanted to start a blog is to have somewhere to sort out my feelings and my ups and downs dealing with him. I always thought I was a pretty strong person, although I do have many issues myself. But in the past few years it has been very difficult trying to learn how to deal with his many, MANY ups and downs. He has started on medication over a year ago and went to therapy for quite a while. Then he "fired" his therapist, which I was happy about because I did not think she was right for him. Of course I'm just going off of his interpretations of her. Anyhow, I have had a few depressed periods myself in the years that we have been married. The first one was when our first child was born. I related it the the typical "baby blues". I think it partly was that. It was partly because I was young, 20, and maybe did not feel totally capable at that time. And after talking recentyly with my hubby, discovered that maybe it was partly related to his reaction to having a baby. I think I did notice at the time that he was distant, not sure how to care for a baby(what new parent is no matter what age you are?). I wanted it to be a time for us to relish and enjoy. Yet at times it felt like I was parenting and he was on the outside looking in. I have had a few other times in our relationship that I thought my mild depression was solely because of me, but upon reading a book that he gave me about the effects on people living with depressives and a few deep discussions with hubby, I have come to the realization that it may not just be me. There, I said it, it's not just me to blame for how I feel. By the way, I'm in one of those mildly depressive states right now. We recently moved halfway across the country away from all of my family. This was/is a good move. We made the move for many different reasons which were all positive, but I am still feeling alone and isolated. I am trying to come up with ways to meet people but it is not easy for someone with low self-esteem issues. I have tried over the years REALLY HARD to break my bad habit of waiting for other people to approach me first. My problem is I tell myself I am not worthy of other people's friendship. It's a long sad story that I might get into later. Anyhow, goodbye for now. To anyone interested enough to read this, I am using this to sort through stuff and sorry if it seems like a bunch of rambling on and not getting anywhere...you'll have to live with it.


  • At 1:01 AM , Blogger Roxanne said...

    Just testing to see if someone can actually post a comment. If anyone is interested, let me know what you think of my rambling!

  • At 2:32 AM , Blogger Mr. DUDE MAN said...

    interesting blog..hope you keep at it..i'll read it.


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