Under the Quilt

I'm here. You're here. Let's talk amongst ourselves.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Deep thoughts

I just read through the comments to my last blog. Those of you who are actually interested in reading my blog and giving me feedback on what I write, thank you. The rest who are just trying to sell me stuff and talk me into going to their website, knock it off! I get enough advertising thrown in my face as it is. I don't need it in my personal space thank you very much. O.K. back to the important stuff. The weekend is over, this next week should be quite fun. We (I mostly) will be packing the rest of our stuff up while the kids go off to their new schools hopefully to make some new freinds and discover that they love their teachers. My daughter, Jesse, is happy that she finally has a male teacher this year. My son, Bobby, is starting junior high. It should be a whole new experience for him but I think he's ready to move on from "little kids" school. He'll have his own locker, get to take showers after p.e.(we all know how much fun that is at 12&13 years old), and hopefully avoid all the rambunctious girls who are developing at a MUCH faster rate than the boys. Not necessarily emotionally but definitely physically. I will now have time to do something for myself during school hours(after we move of course) if I so choose to. That hasn't happened for quite a while. I am not back to working yet, as I was waiting for the kids to go back to school and moving and all. Hubby says to take as much time as I need before I start up my business again. I feel guilty though because he is really the one that needs a break from working. Yes, I can use some time to myself, try to get things straightened around in my head, but I feel if I have too much time to think, then I start obsessing about things. That is how I ended up searching through private stuff on our computer and finding some very hurtful things that my hubby had written in his depressive state of mind. I told him I partly understood that he wasn't in the right frame of mind when he wrote those things, but the feelings he had were still partly real. Even if the feelings are distorted, they were still there to begin with. I don't know. Maybe I just put too much thought into things that I wasn't supposed to see. I found some things( one letter in particular) that he had written but never sent, to his best friend. This friend has been a source a MAJOR discontent for me. He continues to tell me that she is "just a friend" always has been, always will. A year ago, when he was in a really, really bad state(suicidal thoughts, wanting to run away from us, etc.) we had a really long discussion about things. I finally, after three years of stewing about it, told him how much it had bothered me that he had her come visit from out of town and spend the night at our house. Mind you, I didn't think anything ever happened, still don't, our 2 kids were home, but it really bothered me that he had no idea how much it really bothered me. No, I don't expect him to read minds, but come on, why would someone who's married not think it would bother their spouse to have a "best friend" of the opposite sex spend the night while the spouse is halfway across the country at a family reunion? So, having that out of the bag, he cannot accept the fact that I do not want him to go visit her ( and possibly spend the night at her place the save on a motel room). This was a year ago when he was in his really bad state of mind. He said it would really help him to see her in person rather than just talking through email and IM ing her. I already had a problem with that (at the time, not now) because I felt that he should be confiding in me, his wife of 14 years, and letting me help him with his depression. I know I can't be everything to him and he needs outside opinions and advice from people who have been there before. I understand that now. He uses his blog as therapy. He has met other people who have strangely similar stories to tell of depressive ups and downs and how it affects the rest of their lives. I don't want to take that away from him. What I still have a problem with is his best friend. I found a letter that he wrote to her (and never sent). He says it was an exercise that he was doing to get his thoughts out of his brain and onto paper(computer screen). Nevertheless, I still cannot get over the feelings that he poured out, about how he had had thoughts of running away from me and the kids and that he wanted to run to her. How he had never gotten over her from high school days. She had let him down easy when he let her know his feelings about her. He still has this fantasy about he and she somehow ending up together someday. How am I supposed to take that when I'm being told she's just a "friend" and I'll always think of her as a friend. She always pissed me off in high school by the way. We were all in the band together. Rather, my hubby was in the band, she and I were in the flag and auxillary. She always had this higher than mighty attitude. She and my hubby were always sort of in a friendly way competing to see who would be the number 1 rated of the senior class. I don't remember who won. I could give a crap who it was. Being really smart does not make you any more capable of a person in the real world of dealing with people. Turns out she has had many emotional problems too, dealing with suicidal thoughts etc. and that's why he has confided in her. I had no idea he was going to see a therapist and on anti-depressants until a couple of months later. She was the one that convinced him he should go see someone about the depression. Thanks for confiding in me. I sleep in the same freaking bed as you, but no, I'm not good enough to talk to about major issues like wanting to kill yourself. I'm told by him that it's typical of depressives to push loved ones away while at the same time complaining that noone is there to help them. How am I supposed to know what to do? Do you want to be left alone to write things out on the computer, sleep half the day away, or should I hold you and comfort you and tell you how much you're needed by me and the kids. I have tried all of the these. It is very tricky trying to stay on top of what mood I'm dealing with and how I'm supposed to react. Luckily we are talking more now. After I discovered that letter this last week(ironically on our 14th wedding anniv.) we had a very long talk, few crying fits, and more talking. He let me know that in no way was this letter anything that he ever intended on sending. It was an exercize to get irrational thoughts out of his head. He said that it is very difficult when he is in the deep, dark strangling hands of depression, to try to sort out the irrational thoughts from the real ones. I do understand this, but still don't know if I can live with it. Of course I will have to learn to live with it if I want my own sanity to remain intact. It is not easy though. The other thing I need to work on is not reading his blog anymore. I discovered the address for it about two weeks ago, read through all the archives in stages while he was at work, and finally broke down one night crying (partly from guilt, partly from thinking about some of the stuff I had read) and confessed to him that I had been reading through it. He had wanted to keep it from me as to not have my feelings hurt. That didn't work did it? He said he did not blame me nor is mad at me for wanting to read it, but wished I had asked him to take me on a guided tour. I told him I just became obsessed once I found it, with wanting to read everything and feel like I always have just a "guided tour" of his feelings and what he's is going through. I know it was wrong. I know it was an invasion of his privacy. So why do I not feel that guilty about it? Maybe I'm evil. No idea. Anyways, one more round of stuff behind us.....onto the next! This is partly why I started this blog. Mostly to get my thoughts out of my head. Partly to see if anyone like me who is living with someone going through these issues can give me any support or ideas on how they deal with it on a daily basis. I feel lucky that he has been pretty stable for the past few months. I don't know how with everything that has been going on with us, but thank goodness for that. I must sign off before I bore myself or anyone reading this to death. So long, I will return soon.

5 Comments:

  • At 2:58 AM , Blogger The Curmudgeon's Rant said...

    Roxxane,

    Wow, I don’t even know where to start. We don’t know each other, but I feel I’ve had a peek into your soul. Depression is hard. Been there, done that. I had a neurological illness that not only robbed me physically, but also gave me the worst kind of depression. I even got delusional for a while. Had to ask the wife what was real and what wasn’t. Chewed on a few gun barrels, wanting to end it, but thoughts of my wife and kids always brought me back. It was a dark, dark period in my life. My poor wife went through hell. I hope things get better for you soon.

    As for blog-spammers, they are a fact of life for bloggers I guess. I had to delete almost a dozen comments of them just today. Major pain. You have a nice blog. I’m glad I checked it out. Take care!


    David

    PS – tell hubby to lose that girl’s address for good. No friend is worth loosing a wife and babies. Make the boy understand. If he won’t listen, go find a counselor. You don’t need that, and those kids sure don’t either.

     
  • At 7:19 PM , Blogger Mr. DUDE MAN said...

    "we all know how much fun that is at 12&13 years old)"
    If i can remember right...it was darn outright uncomfortable.

    btw, what business are you in? i am not requesting the name..just type.
    i want to startup up a business later on after college.

     
  • At 7:21 PM , Blogger Mr. DUDE MAN said...

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At 1:11 AM , Blogger Roxanne said...

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At 1:16 AM , Blogger Roxanne said...

    My business is family child care. Not easy by any means, but I love it most of the time. It can be very rewarding at times knowing that you can be a positive in children's lives. On the other hand, it is really hard to see the children who are crying out for their overworked parent's attention. It is somewhat of a moral delimma for me. I think that parents shouldn't work so much and spend more time raising their kids. Sacrifice on things like having a nice house, brand new cars,etc. I also realize there are a lot of parents who don't have the choice but to work their butts off just to put food on the table. That is when I am happy to be the one that they can depend on to sort of co-parent their child/ren. I could get more into this and bore you to death!
    roxanne

     

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