Today is a new day(sort of)

Well, I just got done righting a long emotional letter to hubby. Started bawling halfway through it but I kept on trudging through. Why can I not approach him with such emotional subjects without having to write him a letter first. I feel like such an idiot. It's like we're back in high school passing notes back and forth to each other. Except now there are kids and a marriage to consider. This is not the prom anymore, people! How do married people stay in touch with each other 100% of the time without letting stuff get built up until you feel like you're going to explode? I don't think that it's possible. Anyhoo, I got a lot of things off of my chest and hopefully we can have long, heartfelt talk after he's done reading. Or maybe I'll melt down into a big pile of crying mush and not get anywhere again. Positive thoughts, right? My main issue with him right now, comes from one of the things I read in his blogger. Again, I was reading something that he did not intend me to, but I did and now we have issues to work out from some of the things I read. To start out, he is highly intelligent. Not the kind of intelligence that is scary, but a lot higher than average. He was at the top of his senior class(and most likely all the way through school). So one thing he wrote pertained to the fact that he is attracted to "intelligent" women. I have always felt like I am not good enough for him in that sense. I have always felt like I do not stimulate him intellectually. The reason I have such a problem with this somewhat new discovery, is that his "best friend" is also highly intelligent. Remember, they were competing in a friendly way to see who would end up #1 at the end of senior year. Some specific comments that he made about her stated that she is the opitomy of what he finds attractive in a woman. So how is this supposed to make me feel? Pretty inadequate I tell you. I have been on the brink of crying for the last week or so. I started crying while driving to the store today. I couldn't wait to get home just so I could have a big, fat, hairy crying fit in privacy. So that's when I decided to write him a letter letting him know how it made me feel. I went into detail asking him specifically if I am actually attractive to him or if he simply accepts me for who I am. I cannot change who I am, but he cannot also change the type of person who he is attracted to. He has told me over and over again how much he loves me and is dedicated to me and the kids. How can I believe this if I am always in the back of my head thinking that what he really wants is someone to stimulate his mind. I know I am not an idiot, but I am not able to get into the type of deep conversations, using $20 college words, that he really enjoys having. I also realize that no couple can be everything to each other. He has found it enjoyable and really helpful to "talk" with friends he has met through blogging. Mostly these are other depressives who help to support each other through their ups and downs. I have told him that I am really happy for him that he has found a support group of people who he can really relate to and know what he's going through because they've been there themselves. He says he wishes that I was able to talk things out with him more. How am I supposed to do that when he is pushing, pushing, pushing me away? He pushed me away, yet wants me to support him and be there for him when he is ready to accept help. That's what living with a depressed person is like. Trying to figure out the extremely thin line between giving help and staying out of their space so they can "heal". Am I supposed to let him wallow in self pity sleeping his life away when he's at his extremely down moments? Or am I supposed to drag him back into reality and make him realize there IS something to live for. A loving and supporting family. These are all things that he realizes and feels guilty about putting me and the kids through. Thank goodness that he does realize and is working extremely hard to overcome. Well, I must be off to pick up the kiddos from their first day of school. It should be an interesting afternoon hearing about their first day at a school where they don't know a soul. I really hope it went well. I do not want this move to turn the wrong way at this point. Over and out.