Under the Quilt

I'm here. You're here. Let's talk amongst ourselves.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Addicted to the blog

My hubby was right. This blogging thing really is good therapy. I can absolutely not sleep right now, 1:37 a.m. and I already am thinking I might just stay up til the kids have to get ready for school. Hubby read my letter and he did not say one word to me about it all evening. We were busy filling out the many papers for the kid's schools, so he had an excuse for a while. Once that was done I thought we would be able to talk it out. Zip, zilch, nada. I tried to go to bed. Just layed there thinking of all the reasons why he didn't respond to my questions. Here's the wonderful letter I wrote:
Me again.  I must be an idiot.  I can't even bring up
important subjects with you. Oh well, one more thing
to keep working on. How am I supposed to approach you
with a subject that I feel like I'm obsessing over. I
do not want you to go into any kind of downward
anything because I'm telling you my feelings. Please
try not to take this the wrong way. I can not stop
thinking about how you are attracted to "intelligent"
women. I find that a really good thing in a person.
Especially since so many men find it hard to do. My
problem is (and probably has always been) that I have
do not feel intelligent enough for you to be
completely and utterly attracted to me. That is
probably partly why I have always had a problem with
Lisa. She is the opitomy of everything that you
find attractive in a woman and I'm sorry but you
cannot deny this fact. I always felt it from you
whenever you would talk about her in a conversation.
How can I live with everytime we have any real
conversations about anything important, feeling like a
complete and utter idiot. I know I'm not, but I don't
match up to your expectations. That's what I feel at
least. I realize that every couple does not match up
perfectly. I just constantly feel like I'm inadequate
for you. I feel like you would be happier with
someone who could stimulate your brain more. Maybe
I'm not supposed to fill that void for you. Maybe I'm
here to bring you back to reality every so often. I
realize that you enjoy having other people to talk
about deep things with. That's great. But it still
makes me wonder that if intelligence is such an
important attribute in your list of things that make
you attracted to someone, do I fit into that category
somewhere? Am I reading too much into this or have I
hit the nail right on the head? I keep thinking that
I have had WAY too much time on my hands lately to
think about stuff. But maybe these are things that I
have allowed myself to put on the back burner. You
might think that this is all coming from my recent
discovery of things. It is mostly not. Most of these
feelings and intuitions about how you really feel and
think have always been there for me. Please let me
know if I am obsessing about this or not. Are you not
as attracted to me(and I don't mean physically) as you
should be? Please don't tell me yes just because you
think that's what I want to hear or need to hear. I
need the truth even if it hurts. I think hearing a
lie and knowing it's a lie would be worse than
anything. Little comments that you make, get me
wondering if you are trying to throw hints my way.
Like when I recently told you about Shelly and Abe
getting a divorce and how it kind of suprised me.
They seem like people who would do whatever they could
to work through problems/issues. Then you commented
that isn't it better if people realize they don't like
each other anymore, isn't it better to split than to
stay with someone you don't really like anymore? Is
this you thinking about us, or just merely thinking
about people in general? Yes, I have had my times
when I did not like you, but it was when the
depression was taking over your former self. I did
not have thoughts of "I need to get away from him" but
instead I was thinking that I needed to help you get
back to being the person that I fell in love with. I
feel that that's what marriage is about. Working
through the problems that life sends your way. Some
people say that they "have grown apart" or "are not
the same people they were when they got married".
People may change and mature as they get older, but I
don't think you can change so much that you are no
longer any resemblance to your former self. An
illness, such as depression, is just that. An illness
that makes you think and act differently and hopefully
something that you can get past or learn to keep under
control. Just like with any other illness, I would
not leave you. If you got cancer, I would be there by
your side helping you fight it the whole way. Same
thing here. Am I rambling? I don't know. I guess my
point is, I will be here through anything you throw my
way(except for a few things like physical abuse of me
or the kids, but you know that). I know that you have
let me know the same, but I just keep wondering if I
am everything that you feel you want and need out of a
partner. God, I sound pitiful.

So that's the whole drawn out sob story. I really don't
know what to think at this point. Did he not respond
because he doesn't want to tell me the truth and deal
with the fallout of that? Did he not want to get into
it tonight and get an actual night of sleep? Or am I
obsessing about something that does not really need
to addressed. Why do I feel like I'm going insane
right now? Somebody shoot me cuz I don't think I
have the courage to do it myself. I cannot stop
crying throughout the day. I know that I am in some
what of a depressed state of mind right now. I started
taking some of hubby's St. John's Wort the past two days
to help with my mood. I don't know if it will work or
not. I feel extremely anxious all day long. I tried
to go shopping after I dropped the kid's off at school
this morning to cheer myself up a bit. I ended up just
having to come home because I felt like I was going to
start bawling right in the middle of the department
store. That would have been a lovely scene, now wouldn't

More on the issue of hubby and his bf and online friends
feeling the need to use $20 college words(as he likes to
call them) left and right. I don't understand the need to
throw these words around at each other like it's some kind
of contest to see who is smarter than the other. Or maybe
it's just to prove to each other how much smarter they
are than the rest of us. Just go on Jeopardy already,
would you? That's the other thing. He can actually sit
and watch Jeopardy and answer the majority of the
questions before the contestants do. I say who needs
all of that useless info, it doesn't help you in real
life. Unless you're a professor or something and trying
to teach it(err...cram it down the throats of) all of
your students. O.K. where was I going with this? Oh
yah, hubby needs to stop trying so hard to be smart.
He's smart, I know it, he knows it. So there. I
really need to get some sleep but have no idea how
to with all of these idiotic thoughts running through
my head. So long to you all, have a good night's rest
and I'll see ya in the daylight hours!
o.k., now I know I am insane.

roxanne (you don't have to turn out the red light)


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