Under the Quilt

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

I am definitely insane(no kidding)

Today has got to be the worst yet in my 32 years of living. I think I am literally going insane. Well , maybe I'm just officially in the next stage of depression. I slept for a total of 1 hour last night and it was not a restful sleep. Strange thoughts creeping in about hubby reading my blog and I can't remember now if it turned out good or bad. I got up to get shower except hubby got in there first and he took THE longest shower ever. I think he was really enjoying his shower if you know what I mean. Let me tell you, there were some strange sounds coming out the bathroom. I don't need this right now. I was going to come up with some witty comment to slap him with when he got out but decided I did not want to start off his/our morning on the wrong foot. Still no word about him reading my letter. Although I can't blame him, we do have two kids to get ready and one of them starts school at the insane hour of 7:30a.m. Whoever thoughts that 7&8th graders could function their brain at the hour is insane themselves. Anyways, hubby takes our oldest off to school. I can't eat any breakfast because my stomach is doing flip flops like you would not believe. Then, Jesse, says to me, "I don't want to go to school. I hate not having even one friend at all. That's why I wish we hadn't moved." Then for the next hour she stalls big time with getting dressed and eating breakfast. While she's upstairs I break down crying because I feel so guilty about the whole school issue. I can totally put myself in her place and see how hard it is to start at a school where she doesn't know a soul. I'm feeling that way about myself too, but from an adult's point of view. That's something else. Last night as we're filling out the school info papers, we realized we have noone except for our realtor(who is a really nice grandmotherly type) to put down as an emergency contact. So now I have to ask her today if we can use her for that and I feel really lame even doing it. Anyways, back to my morning. Jesse comes downstairs from getting dressed. She sees me with a kleenex in one hand and red puffy eyes and says," you must've been crying." I WAS trying to hide it from her. She has enough going on right now to not have to think about having a second parent with depression. To shorten up the story a bit, I drop her off at school, go sign yet one more paper at the realtor's office, come home and collapse on the couch. Immediately go into a crying fit, for what, I don't know. My stomach is in knots. I feel like I can't breathe or take in a deep breathe. Basically, my chest feels like there's a stack of books sitting on it. I don't think I'm having a full blown panic attack. I feel like I am on the verge of a full blown attack only the feeling doesn't go away. It is there 24/7(even during those few fitly minutes of sleep). What is freaking wrong with me. I have felt nervous and anxious before but this tops them all. I don't know how I am going to function with packing the rest of our stuff in the next two days, moving over the weekend, and then begin to unpack in our new, lovely house. This really sucks. I am supposed to be happy right now. We are doing exactly what we've been planning out for the past year. It's like when people have post partum depression(which I beleive I had a mild case of ). You feel so guilty for feeling the way you do at a time when you are supposed to be euphoric. I really don't want to take meds. We don't need 2 people in the house on that nasty stuff. That's why I started taking the St. John's Wort to see if it would help improve my mood. Then I started feeling the overly anxious and nervous feelings 24/7. So I stopped taking that today. Who knows what is doing this to me. I just want someone to make it stop, right now!

Onto a somewhat new subject. During part of my hubby's darkest point of depression, he was suicidal. He wrote down all of the thoughts he was having at that time, while he was experiencing them. He would also go through scenarios through his head of ways that our family might end up turning out. Such as: me and one of the kids dies and he is left to deal w/ and sort out the mess, he commits suicide and tries to make it look like an accident to spare the kids the guilt but I still know that it was suicide and have to live with that fact, etc. etc.

So my thought for the day ( which is just a thought, not going to carry through on this one) is that wouldn't he be suprised if I was the one that commited suicide and left him to deal with the aftermath. Wouldn't that be a mighty big suprise to him? No, I would never do that. Not to my kids, not to my parents and siblings, not to my hubby. But isn't it an insanely delicious thought? O.K. I warned you. I am definitely going insane.



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