Under the Quilt

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Friday, April 07, 2006

Baby. Oh Baby.

I definitely need to get back to taking care of other people's children. I yearn to change the dirty diapers. I can almost smell them already. Maybe it will help to squelch these feelings.

For some time now, maybe a few years, I have wanted to have a third child. There are many reasons that go through my head, all of them seem rational. I will write them down, go back over them later, and see if they still sound rational. Of course all of this is meaningless because I will never have another child (naturally or adopted). Not because I can no longer bear a child. Not because I am not willing to take in a child that desperately needs a family to call their own. My husband is completely satisfied (maybe not the right word) with two children. He had a vasectomy after our daughter was born. He wanted to do it while I was pregnant. I said what if something goes wrong with the pregnancy? I'm not so sure I was prepared to make such a lasting decision at the time, but because I had just expelled this being from my body I went along with it. Call it the baby blues, hormonal imbalance, or just the recent memory of pain. I agreed to go along with hubby's wishes to never have the chance to bear another child. I was only 24 years old, he was 27. I think that is too young to make that decision.

Hubby was an only child. He was adopted. Never had a dad. Grew up with an emotional and verbally abusive grandma (not officially his grandma but she lived with them and she was old).

I grew up with a mom and a dad. I was the third child and the baby of the family. One of my sister's friends once said we reminded her of the "Walton's" even though we weren't. I think it was because she came from a divorced household, alcoholic mom, you know the rest. So I suppose we probably did look like the Walton's.

So comparing our 2 backgrounds, you can see how there would be some mixed viewpoints. About 3 years ago I made the mistake of suggesting that we take in the baby that my mom had in foster care. I had thought and thought and thought about this for weeks on end. Some of it was fantasizing. Some of it was rational thinking. Then I finally decided to bring it up to hubby and see what his opinion was even though I had a pretty good idea that he would shoot it into the ground but what the hay. My premonitions were correct. He did everything he could to control himself and not go balistic. I could see it in his eyes, his body language, in the popping out of the veins. "I thought we had decided that we were happy with 2 kids? Did we not make that decision when I had the vasectomy? (hint to anyone that is still fertile: you better make damn sure that you don't want any more children before you get clipped and snipped cuz there ain't no going back) I tried to reply with some of the things I had been contemplating over. I don't think I did a very good job. It is hard to be coherent when you have been socked in the stomach. I knew this was probably the response I would get, but I also knew that I needed to get my feelings out in the open. Did I forget to mention that I chose a not so very good time to bring up this subject with him? This was during the beginning of the oh-so-famous downward spirals. He was not doing so well at this time. I had no idea as he was still wearing the mask, but it was kind of like the Phantom of the Opera mask where you can partially see ugly side. The mask was slowly revealing things and I should have taken that as a hint to not bring up such life altering subjects. I still had no clue what he was going through. Did not know the word depression had creeped it's way into our house. Actually, I think it had broken a window in the room at the back of the house and had been hiding under a pile of nasty, dirty laundry for some time. The only thing I did know was that my once loving husband had been slowly turning into someone I did not recognize. And he was not willing or able to discuss adding another member to our family. He still isn't and I believe never will be. I have not spoken of this subject since then and so I am left to discuss it with the cyber world. Thank goodness for blog therapy. Here is my rundown of reasons and thoughts about wanting another child.

1. I love babies-why else would I agree to care for other people's little ones-the rewards FAR outweigh all the nasty diapers, spit up sessions, and green slimy noses.

2. I am the third child in the family. I want my kids to experience having a third sibling and everything that comes with that. The whole dynamic change of the family. My son could have a brother. My daughter could have a sister.

3. The newborn smell. If you haven't smelled it then you won't know what I'm talking about. It is the most entrancing smell there is. I firmly believe that God made babies smell this way to keep the procreation thing going on.

4. I love breastfeeding and fantasize about it. No I'm not psycho. I loved that bonding time with my kids. The feeling of being the one person that could satisfy their most basic need at that time. I must admit that I do NOT miss the whole leaking and having 2 great big wet circles on the front of my shirt in public thing. The rest of it I still crave.

5. I do not like to admit this to myself and have never told anyone before (you should all feel so priveleged), but I have thought that I would be able to have another child if I were with someone else. This thought did not completely come from me. Hubby has said numerous times that he thinks I would be better off without him. This is his depression speaking so I can't take any of it literally. BUT it does get quite difficult to hear that and not start thinking and believing it myself. I know that I must not buy into such thoughts, but on occasion I do. So sue me.

6. My daughter keeps asking if we can have a baby. I told her that Dad thinks 2 kids are enough. I'm not sure if this was the right response, but it is the truth. Should I have told her that Dad AND I don't want any more babies? I didn't go into detail. Just one simple fact. She is pretty mature for an eight year old so I think it's fine. Maybe I'll wait til she's a teenager to tell her that Dad is evil and wants to deprive me......JUST KIDDING people. I am not that loony.

7. When I try to think of the positive reasons to not have any more kids, it's still not enough to make these feelings go away.

8. If there is a God out there, then why would he allow doctors to mutilate men into not being able to procreate? Does God believe in population control? Can I get on somebody's prayer list for a miraculous reattachment of the beloved vans deferens ( I believe that is what it's called...from reading those lovely, color brochures that hubby was so hyped about....never seen anyone so excited about having their crotch ripped to pieces)?

9. I think I may have beaten this horse up enough now.

10. Should we take a poll........To Clip or Not To Clip?........that is the question.

3 Comments:

  • At 4:30 PM , Blogger His suzy said...

    Roxanne, I wish I had a suggestion for you. But as someone who doesn't have kids, isn't likely to ever have them, and is committed to a man who was snipped before I met him (since he and his ex-wife had 3 kids before they split), I have no idea what to tell you. Probably not the comment you wanted, but I'm afraid it's all I've got. Will wishing you good luck work for today?

     
  • At 7:01 PM , Blogger Liz said...

    All I know is that if M and I ever have kids, I'll probably want to put you on speed dial. It sounds like you are a great mom, the real deal.

    There was a time in my life when I was positive I didn't want kids and would probably have agreed to sterilization. But the mind, it often changes...

     
  • At 8:17 AM , Blogger Roxanne said...

    Yay! I get to be an auntie. I can't wait.

    roxanne

     

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