Under the Quilt

I'm here. You're here. Let's talk amongst ourselves.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Excuse me if I sound selfish

I would like to first state that I love getting feedback from all of my lovely readers. I would also like to state that this is my space to vent and let out my most current feelings. I do not always like to admit to my feelings, but I have made it a point of writing things out so I can learn from it. Again, I like getting comments and constructive criticism from people. I may not have been ready to receive one of my most recent criticisms, as I was NOT feeling anywhere near being ready to accept the advice.

I feel like I am ALWAYS the one who has to be supportive. Always giving, giving, giving. Well, sometimes people can only take so much. I am tired of trying to be encouraging and supportive to someone who continually beats themself into the ground. "Hey, I reserved a racquetball court for tonight(for the umpteenth time).....you wanna go with us?" "No, not really." His kids have begged him to go. I can understand him turning me down all the time. I'm just the nagging wife. It breaks my heart when I realize that the kids have given up on him and don't even ask him to join us in our fun outings anymore. They've learned that it's not worth it to ask when you already know what the answer is going to be. I'm not ready to give up yet.

I know that what he needs the most is support. He let me know pretty clearly this weekend with a nice sarcastic, "Thanks for your support," after a little discussion before bedtime. He's getting his "darth" mask on and says it wouldn't look so freaky if the top part of it wasn't there. I said, "the whole thing looks freaky if you ask me."

Did we not have long, deep conversations about letting each other know what we're truly feeling? I have struggled with this my whole life. I have always felt that my feelings are not worth being validated. Stuff it down. No one will get hurt that way(except me of course). So am I supposed to not let him know how much the idea of this "thing" bothers me? How I feel that it is just one more step closer to his death? Yes, I realize that this will probably give him more energy during the day and is definitely an improvement to his health. I also realize that it could also be an excuse to not do anything to get this machine out of our bedroom.

I know I'm not a doctor, but I can put two and two together. If a person does not have breathing/snoring problems.......gains a ton of weight.......is now basically suffocating themselves at night......take a guess. I have read a bit about this on the net and everything pretty much points to losing weight=no sleep apnea. There are people out there who are not overweight and unfortunately still have this problem. I do not believe this is the case.

I will finish with stating that I am human. I am also very hormonal right now which does not help matters any. I'm not one to use that as an excuse for my behavior, but it seems like I cannot control my emotions AT ALL for a quarter of each month. I cannot always be the loving, adorable, supportive wife that I strive to be (insert sarcastic smirk here).

Oh yeah, we did figure out a way to still be able to cuddle without getting tangled up in the hoses.


  • At 6:28 PM , Blogger Eclipse75048 said...

    Good luck with the house painting. Isn't it a fricking beating? I KNOW that my living room will look much better, it's just the process that sucks so badly.

    How weird would it be to be rich and be able to afford to HIRE people to do this kind of peon work?

  • At 8:38 AM , Blogger J Martin said...

    Hey, sorry about that. I did not intend to sound harsh (one thing I can't stand about email, etc, is that you can't tell the tone in which something is offered.). Especially when one disagrees. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your feelings on this blog. And thank you for sharing this response. Granted, you have been through a lot, living with his depression (and as you've said, you tend to adjust your moods to those you are around). And granted, there are two ways of looking at this Vader Mask: 1) It relieves his burden (sleep apnea) and any motivation to lose weight - and 2) It is a lifeline/snorkel to one who is slowly drowning every night. SO now that he has the CPAP, he needs to step up to the plate and get off his @$$ and exercise - even if it is just taking a 20 minute walk every day. My point is, give it some time and see if it helps to lift him out of the fog. I'm praying that it will. (and I'm not just saying that).

    Now, that being said, I have what may seem to be a harsh question to ask (it is rhetorical, I don't expect you to answer it here), but I think it might help: What are you hoping to accomplish by letting him know your displeasure with the mask?

    Just trying to help...(insert meek smiley here)

  • At 10:15 AM , Blogger Roxanne said...

    j martin,

    I'm not sure that I'm looking to "get" anything from telling him of my displeasure. We have really been working hard at talking through our feelings (both of us) instead of stuffing them. I feel that it is, in the long run, emotionally healthier to talk about it(even if the feelings are negative or seem negative) and get things out in the open. I do not want to lay in bed every night feeling like I'm having an mild anxiety attack. It might sound dramatic, but that's how I felt the first night. And it was mostly NOT about the mask itself, it's everything that it signifies.

    I hope you didn't take this post as a blast to you. It wasn't. I was just kind of surprised at how much your comment affected me. Didn't quite expect that so I wanted to write it out. Thanks for your comments and unique point of view.


  • At 10:52 AM , Blogger His suzy said...


    I don't have any personal experience with anyone with sleep apnea, so I don't have any advice there. However, with the relationship that my boyfriend and I have (which you know the nature of from reading my blog), we've both made the vow to tell each other EVERYTHING, even if it is negative. There are still times when I want to hold something back or I don't want to say anything because it's negative, but I'm also not willing to break a vow to him. And since we're both committed to having our relationship this way, it always works itself out and makes our bond stronger. I guess the question would be, is your hubby willing to tell everything and really deal with it like you are? If he is, then you gotta go for it. In the end, I think and I hope that it would help both of you. :)

  • At 12:42 PM , Blogger Liz said...

    Roxanne, I think you're entitled to your feelings. If you're looking for validation, here it is.

    It can be incredibly draining to be in a relationship with someone who is struggling with depression. I feel for you.

    (but I love that you found a way to cuddle, despite the hoses)

  • At 12:58 PM , Blogger J Martin said...

    You're welcome. Thanks for the explanation.
    You say:
    "I'm not sure that I'm looking to "get" anything from telling him of my displeasure. "

    But what do you "get"? You "get" him being annoyed that you're annoyed. Yes, in a perfect world, he would say - "yes dear, I understand your displeasure, but once I get some good rest I shall endeavor to make exercise a priority - and instead of this downward spiral, I shall rise like a phoenix to greater and greater glories!" But it is not a perfect world, is it? So how does one communicate his or her feelings in such a way as to not sound preachy or like a mom? That's a tough question. I'm not even insinuating that I have the answer. When my spouse and I get into it, we remind each other, "Hey, we're both on the same side. I want to be successful and help you be successful." Any other thoughts from our fellow bloggers?


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