Further Explanation

Remember the win the lottery/fix yourself conversation? I honestly don't write things here to stir the pot. I need to get my thoughts out. And it also helps to get others' opinions to see if my viewpoint is way out there. I don't expect or want people to comment only if they agree with me. Including my husband.

He brought up the subject again to clarify that what he meant was if I wanted to do it to make myself feel better. I get that. But I also see it as an unnecessary suggestion. Just one more thought planted in my head that I don't need rolling around in there.

Just when I think I'm starting to feel good about my body, I realize that it's all just a farce. Just me trying to convince myself that getting my waistline back and decreasing the size of my butt will eliminate everything else that is sitting there staring back at me in the mirror. Yep, I've got the scars from having two wonderful children. But it doesn't take away the fact that I never had a chance to enjoy my pre-baby body while I was still young. It doesn't take away the fact that although my husband tells me he thinks I'm hot, I have a sneaking suspicion that it's not my looks that attract him. It doesn't take away the fact that no matter how many people tell you that you look fine, it only takes one non-chalant comment to wipe it all out.

I'm going to say it now. I was wrong. I was wrong in stating that I don't feel like I need to be fixed. But I figure if I keep telling myself that, that it will somehow be true. Aren't we (females) given messages practically our whole lives that there's always something more we should be doing to make ourselves better? Let's see a show of hands of everyone who had to do the "we must, we must, we must increase our busts" exercise in junior high gym class. Ah....yeah....thanks a lot for that message. I won't even get into the whole media thing, except that we need a whole lot more Queen Latifahs.

I will end with one last message that I received in high school that has stuck with me ever since. I was standing in line at the snack bar. Directly behind me is one of the jerkiest jerks I have ever met. I didn't realize that anyone could be that arrogant at such a sweet, tender age.

Out of nowhere, he says to me in a tone low enough that noone else could hear, "You couldn't get any dick even if you paid for it."

Even though I knew he was a jerk and just said it to get a rise out of me, I have never been able to shake it. And I consider myself to be a strong-willed person. Maybe I've been wrong all these years......