Under the Quilt

I'm here. You're here. Let's talk amongst ourselves.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


I have somewhat recently found a group of high schoolers who are a circle of friends that also blog each other(you know who you are). One of them hit on a point recently that sparked something in me that I knew but didn't want to think about. I always felt more mature than the rest of the kids my age when I started school. My sister and brother were 5 and 6 years older than me therefore I was always hanging around with older kids. I also always found comfort in being around the adults in my world and listening in on their conversations. So when I started kindergarten I found it difficult to relate to the kids my age because I felt they were playing "baby" games. I don't remember this, but my mom says(and has to tell everyone this story) that she got a call from the school psychologist stating that she thought I needed therapy. Apparantly they thought I was being abused at home because I would not talk at school. Not to the teachers and not to the other kids. The teacher said she couldn't grade me on any of my skills if I didn't talk to her. So my mom used bribery and said if I told the teacher everything I know, that I would get a dollar for each "A". It worked. I eventually began to talk, but not much. I generally only had one "best friend" each year and ironically they all seemed to move at the end of the year. So I would be stuck at square one the next fall. Even though I always felt more mature than my peers, I was very emotionally immature. I don't know how I ended up with such low self-esteem. My parents always encouraged me to try things. I do feel that they favored my bro and sis in that they attended almost every basketball game they have ever played. In town and out of town, 4 years of high school, 2 years of college. You name it we were there. I don't remember them EVER closing our mom and pop grocery store to come see me perform with the band. EVERY basketball game we would close the store early, go to the game, get dinner, and have to go do our end of the day duties at the store until 10pm or later. Now there's support folks. Try going to at least one of our band competitions sometime. It would have been nice. I was always jealous of the kids who had parents there to watch and cheer us on. So maybe that would have helped my esteem a bit, who knows.

As far as my emotional maturity now, not good. I still to this day feel like people do not want to talk to me or be my friend. Even though when I am in a group situation of people I don't know and I am wishing that someone would befriend me, I think my subconsience desperation keeps people away. I know how important body language is when communicating with people. It speaks volumes. So how does someone change their body language as to not scare people away?

Our new neighborhood seems to have many older people living in it. They are the only ones I have met so far. One older lady(70ish) was out for a walk while I was waiting for Jesse's bus. She stopped and we chatted for a few minutes. She seemed like a neat lady. I thought it would be nice to go for coffee to her house sometime. Is that weird? Should I not have more in common with 30-40 somethings who have families their trying to raise and work stresses and PTA meetings? You would think so but I still feel more comfortable hangin' with the oldies. The other weird thing is I also relate to people much younger than me. In high school I ended up being with a group of friends 1-2 grades younger than me. Don't know why and maybe I don't want to analize it. Maybe I didn't/don't want to face the fact of being grown up and growing old. It scares me that my oldest is hitting puberty(he's 12) and that maybe I want to be back there again.


  • At 10:51 PM , Blogger Brie said...

    Haha, yeah, we do know who we are. Well, not really, haven't quite figured that one out yet. Probably never will. But who cares, why rush it anyways?Lol, yeah, his post got me to thinking as well.I think it made everyone stop and take a look back. It was pretty powerful.Well, you seem to be an awesome person, from what I've read and what you've said, so don't give up. Get that self-esteem up there, because you have nothing to be ashamed of. P.S- Don't ever grow up.It's nice down here,lol.

  • At 1:06 PM , Blogger Aimée said...

    Well, I don't really know you (I have yet to read the rest of your blog, but I have read a few entries) but to me you seem like a kid at heart. Maybe you relate to older people more because you want a subsitute for a relationship that you wish you'd had with your parents? I don't know...I'm not great at analyzing people a well. Who knows. My best advice is to not really think about it, just do what makes you happy, or at least try to. Does it matter who you feel a connection with and who you do not? Have fun with the old ladies, the young ones, and the pubescent kidlings:-D

  • At 9:00 PM , Blogger isabel said...

    what entry on whose blog sparked this? This is just about exactly how i always feel. Perhaps everyone feels this way and no one knows it. Body language is difficult to control...I've spent a lot of time observing the body language of others, and i think that helps me to take a look at my own.

    I like how the teacher said they coudn't grade you on your skills if you didn't talk. In our high school, they prefer it if you don't talk. They grade you on your ability to complete busywork and write factory-perfect open response questions.

    With the exception of the Internation Baccalaureate program. Which is gloriously free of busywork.

    I shall end this long comment now. Have a nice day!

  • At 8:24 AM , Blogger Roxanne said...


    I believe it was one of your posts that inspired me. Can't remember which one though.



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