Under the Quilt

I'm here. You're here. Let's talk amongst ourselves.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

More of the Same

Thank you all for your wonderful words of support. The past few days have been one heck of a journey. Yesterday when the kids and I visited hubby, he gave me a small note to send to his blog. Just a small something to let all of his blogger friends know that he's still alive. I set up a new email address for myself (and posted it all here for you guys). One that's a little more anonymous than the previous one I had given out to a few people.

One of his people from his blog support group contacted me with concerns. I will take them to heart and am taking all of her suggestions. It's funny how people show up at just the right time sometimes.

I still have not called anyone from my family to tell them what's up. Not embarrassed or anything since they pretty much know of the ongoing issues around here. I just hate getting on the phone and not being able to contain my emotions. Sitting there bawling on the phone does not solve any problems. But I suppose I must at some point.

I fully intended to call my mom last night, but then got stuck on the net. How easy that is. What happened is this.....I email posted hubby's message to his blog. Wanting to make sure that it actually posted(yeah, right), I went to his blog to check. I guess it was me trying to see if there was anything there from the three weeks I was gone. Anything that might be pertinent or helpful in his recovery at this point. I know that he told me he didn't sleep much at all while we were gone. I know that the house looks like a computer store with parts spread to and fro when we got home. I know that he didn't sleep at all the night before we got home. This much he told me. I knew I needed to be worried, but I also wanted to just pass it off as a result of not having us at home. I think that was just one symptom.

So, I looked. I read. I found out pretty much everything that I had suspected. More of the same. The one new thing I found out is the reason he was up all night before our return. He read my whole blog. Am I surprised? No. I figured he would at some point. After all, I told him I wouldn't mind. He wanted to leave me this space. I still have it. I won't change how I use it whether he reads or not. I'm not mad or upset (how could I be?). I only wish that he wouldn't beat himself up so much about it. And I think he took my ranting to heart. He thinks that he's a burden to me and that I would be much happier without him. Well, I'm not going anywhere. I'm a rock. And I won't let this disease ruin him, me, our family, our future, his future. If we are not meant to be together, then that will have to wait until his thoughts are no longer under the influence of his disease. Until then, I will firmly hold with the belief that we ARE and always have been meant for each other. Soul mates or not. Whatever you want to call it, I know that I am better for having spent the last 15 years with him. I think he believes the same (when the beast is not in control). So we will ride out this huge bump in the road.

For now, I feel completely stressed. Not only do I have to remain sane and calm for the kids, I may now have to be the sole breadwinner of the family. Did I mention that I have no clients? I don't know if I'm mentally prepared now to start my business. I am so filled with anxiety it is literally making me sick. I stayed up all night last night. Went to bed at 5 am. Slept for 4 hours and got right back on the computer. Seems I can't do anything else right now. There are a million things that I need to be accomplishing right now and I can't seem to do one. I'm not sure where to start. Hey, what a joy filled post today, eh?

Maybe I should make a list of everything that needs to be done. Then when I accomplish something I can check it off and feel like I did some good. Pat on the back if you will.


  • At 1:55 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Your conviction to ride this out and withstand this made me smile. Maybe you could get a relative to watch the kids for a night - I think you deserve a bubble bath and a good cry. And some ice cream.

  • At 2:33 PM , Blogger Bearette24 said...

    i think the check list is a great idea...it will probably make things seem more manageable. and checking things off will feel good.

  • At 2:47 PM , Blogger His suzy said...

    Go for the list. You can always toss it if it's not helping.

    I'm still praying for you guys. Hang in there!

  • At 5:26 PM , Blogger Eclipse75048 said...

    I've been through the crazy spouse shit too. I hope that you end up where I ended up: with a spouse that is no longer depressed.

    My wife didn't get to the point of hospitalization, but it came very close. She also wasn't suicidal (at least not that she admitted to).

    My wife has always been anxious and prone to panic attacks, but after 9/11, things got really weird. She had an irrational fear of everything. She became extremely depressed. She would stay in her pjs all day, it was really hard to get her out of bed, she cried pretty much all day.

    She went to counseling with a really good psychologist that I knew (he was one of my professors) and her doc put her on Effexor and Klonapin.

    She still whacks out occassionaly, but it's the whack out that us "normal" people do.

    I hope they can find a good mix of meds and therapy for your husband so that things can return to "normal" for you.

  • At 5:30 PM , Blogger alley_cat said...

    Roxanne - so much has happened in what seems like a short time. You are a rock. I hope things flesh out for you and all things end in happily ever after. Please don't give up.



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