Under the Quilt

I'm here. You're here. Let's talk amongst ourselves.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Update #2

I was going to update after our evening of The Flood of Tears, but I don't know if I can tell it better than this.

What I will add, is that it feels very strange from my perspective. I'm not quite sure what I expected, but I knew that I would try my darnedest to keep an open mind. The strangest part for me is how easy it has been to start building a bond. I feel like this is a new beginning, but it is also so much about looking into the past that it's very difficult to not get caught up in the what ifs. Just a few days before Grandma "Donna" arrived, Jesse was talking about "what if" Dad hadn't been given up for adoption. She wondered where she would be right now. Would we live in Ohio? In the same breath, and before I got a chance to say what she was thinking, she realized that she would not exist. Her dad and I would never have met because we would not have gone to the same school. Now if that's not a reason to stop the "what ifs" I don't know what is.

Moving on.

This morning Donna and I were talking about how relieved she felt last night going to bed. Even though it was stressful and draining for her to recall the whole scenario leading up to Ron's birth and the aftermath, she said it is one of her greatest hopes for him to understand how loved he was from the beginning (by her). Even though at the time she couldn't really understand her feelings surrounding his birth, she always knew that she loved him. And it's one of my hopes too, for him to be able to eventually accept that love.

There is so much that I would like to write, and need to write, but I don't think I'll be doing it here. I don't think most of it is appropriate to "put out there". But I definitely want to write down all the details that I can recall once I have time to. Mostly just so I can go back and read through and process whenever I need to. One of the best blessings is that Donna is willing to answer any questions and with as much detail as possible. As hurtful as it might be to hear, it is necessary. I just can't believe everything that she has gone through in her life, both good and bad. I can't write in detail about some of the great stories she's already told us (getting to hang out with Elvis ("El") and receive a full-on kiss from him, Prince coming over to their table and asking her blonde bombshell sister to dance, etc. ). the reason I can't tell is not only because I would not do justice to her great storytelling skills. It is also because she has a big plan to write a book, along with Ron if he is willing. I know you all will be buying a copy, right?!!

Along with all the tearful talks, Donna has embraced the role of Grandma. So far, she has gotten to visit the display of the art show where Jesse's creation is in the "Best of Show" case. As we were admiring all of the beautiful pieces of artwork, Donna mentioned to the nearby security guard that, "That painting in the corner is my granddaughter's." She then turned to me and said with a look of gratitude, "That feels so good to be able to say that."

Both Nate and Jesse have taken to her quite well. Better than we could have ever expected. Nothing has been pushed or forced, but both of them seem to genuinely like her and she them. Has it really only been three days since she arrived? Wow.

As we were looking at Donna's pictures today, I suddenly became fixated on her fingers. She has the same fingers as Ron. It's little things like that that really make it hit home. This is his mom. Wow.

The strangest feeling of all today? When I looked over, as we were just hanging out on the couch chatting, and it felt like the most familiar thing. It felt like we had been doing this for years. It felt like when my family comes to visit. How is this possible??!! Although I am not as closed off emotionally as some people, I am still reserved. And it almost always takes me a long time to let people in. To feel comfortable enough to hang out and be myself. Maybe it's because she is one of the most real people I have ever met. Pretty much doesn't hold anything back. You either love her or hate her. I think I already know which one I'll pick.

One of my favorite things about her? She's an open hugger. Even though I almost never am the one to offer a hug, I secretly love them. I guess if I want to get more hugs I need to train myself to be the hug offerer. Am I the only one that over thinks these kinds of things?


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