Under the Quilt

I'm here. You're here. Let's talk amongst ourselves.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Cover your eyes and run....or stay (your choice)

I have about a million and two things racing through my head right now...give or take. So if you want to click over to someone else's blog right now, go right ahead. Otherwise, bear with me.

I may have transformed myself into a sex goddess overnight. No, I didn't do anything different with my hair or wear make-up or put on slinky clothing. But I could not keep a certain someone from trying to take me right there on the hospital bed. I decided to take Jesse with me since she has some flowers that she wanted to give dad. More than a couple of times during our visit, she exclaimed, "You guys are disgusting. Why do you like to hug and kiss and cuddle? You're just plain disgusting." Good thing she was out in the hallway when he really started going at it. Remember how he said he felt like a "mountain lion at the zoo"? I think it's mating season. He told me to bring a big blanket next time I come so we can hide under it. And don't bring any kids. Sorry, but for some strange reason, I don't feel like going at it in this setting. Just me I guess.

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Jesse wanted to hop around the common area room. Another patient came in and started talking to her. She hopped on over to the chairs where hubby and I were sitting. Hubby whispered to her that she didn't have to be scared of anyone here, they're just normal people like me. She said, "Why would I be scared?" I love it. It was simply her instinctive nature. She would have done that no matter what type of stranger it was.

A few seconds later, this same woman crouched down like Jesse and was going to hop along with her. Hubby gave me a "I take that back" look.

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He said he tried to sweet talk one of the young nurses into letting him use the computer for a few minutes. "I just wanted to check my email. I think if she had a little more authority, she would have let it happen." When we were walking towards the front door....."You see that computer just sitting there (it was turned on)? It burns me up." Just like a caged animal that has had his internet privileges taken away.
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Hotel Seratonin (sang to the tune of Hotel California)

Keep a watch out for this one. He said he actually wants to copywright the lyrics. I don't blame him. They're actually pretty good.

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I was actually able to call my mom last night. The first few minutes consisted of me bawling and her reassuring me that she would wait until I could talk. I guess the crying session I had before I dialed the number didn't do much good. Gotta love moms.

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Our 15th wedding anniversary is August 17th. I hope we get to spend it together.

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"I've been VERY relaxed today. I feel much better. I even came out of my room and talked with some of the other people here." Drugs can be a wonderful thing sometimes.

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I stepped on the scale this morning. I'm only 3 pounds above what my driver's license says. I don't think I've been that weight since I first got married. I think I should market the next diet fad: Weight Loss through Anxiety

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At times, I can see that the same person is inside the familiar shell that is his body. But I still see that some things have changed, possibly forever. This scares me. A lot. But I'm willing to roll with it.

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We have a family friend that is one of the most extreme cases of bipolar. She had an episode about 2 years ago that was quite amazing and disturbing. One of the many things she did during this episode, was to buy major quantitiies of all kinds of items off of QVC with the ingenious plan of selling them at a higher price. Nothing anyone said to her (obviously because she was in a completely insane state of mind) would get through. Everyone else just didn't understand. Her husband could do nothing to prevent this either. She legally could get tons of credit cards (and did) in her name, and charge them all to the hilt. Because they were married, her husband was still responsible for all of this debt. So while she was in the hospital, he and one of their adult daughters had to, one car load at a time, return all of these boxes to the post office. The house and garage was literally so full of boxes, they had to start storing things in the yard until they had a chance to deal with returning the stuff. I bet that was quite entertaining to the men in brown.

I have to make jokes about these things in order to maintain my own sanity. And to prepare myself just in case I become the recipient of every single computer item known to man.

**Note to Liz: In case you are ever in this state of mind, I hope you warn your husband ahead of time that he may be the new co-owner of everything Ebay.

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I would love to write about something else, anything else, but my mind will not go there.

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I believe the stigma that follows mental illness will never die. I think people will always thinks it's ok to discriminate and make jokes. I would love to take my kids to hubby's company picnic this weekend because it's at a really fun water park and they would love it. But I can't. I know that I can't possibly handle the barrage of questions.....and having to lie. Because if I don't lie, then hubby will never be able to face his office again (he may not anyways,but that's a whole 'nother issue). Think about this the next time you make a non-chalant joke about the "crazies". It's not funny to everyone.

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Every time the phone rings, I get a feeling like the grim reaper is calling. I do NOT want to talk on the phone with anyone, but I must answer. If I answer, I will most likely break down into a river of salty discharge. I attempted calling the chiropractor's office yesterday to see if there were any appointments of hubby's that needed to be cancelled. Yep, you guessed it. Big ball of mush. That's me.

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I wish I could be as naive as our kids. They really don't understand the gravity of all of this. I'm happy for that. They don't need to be burdened with such things. Bobby has been wrapped up in arranging sleepovers at friend's houses and trying to gel his too curly hair into a spiky hairstyle. Jesse is making a ton of dioramas (African safari, Amish farm, ocean scene, etc) and play nature girl outside. The joys of childhood.

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The window company called to arrange when we wanted our windows installed. I set up for Monday and Tuesday. This has been something that we've been anticipating for quite some time. Hubby's going to be coming home........on Monday or Tuesday. I'm not quite sure this a good thing. ALL the freaking windows in our house are being replaced.....even the basement. Now I need to go cover the explosion of computer parts all over the house with blankets and sheets.


I have a ton more rolling around in my head, but I will have to save it for later. Aren't you all so lucky. ;)

5 Comments:

  • At 11:29 AM , Blogger annelynn said...

    Chin up, new friend. I'm thinking good thoughts for all of you. It's good to write it out like you're doing... also good to cry and talk to your mom. I'm sure this is tough on the kids, but also I'm glad you have them - that you all have each other.

    I like the sound of your determination! Here's to a happy 15th wedding anniversary - I have faith that you guys will get there!

    (I'm at the office briefly because I forgot to turn off the water distiller, which would have had the entire lab flooded by Monday. Thank goodness I remembered! Try to enjoy the rest of your weekend...)

     
  • At 9:33 PM , Blogger Invader Stu said...

    I don't really know what to say but I want to say something that helps.

    If writing about it helps I will read it all and you are in my thoughts.

    Plus I agree that mothers are great. They listen to everything and judge nothing :p

     
  • At 12:16 AM , Blogger Roxanne said...

    Anne- Thanks for your well wishes. I know we will get there, with time. I'm glad you decided to come visit my little world over here.

    Stu- Yup, moms are great for that. You don't have to say anything special, just to know that you're out there listening to my rambling and that you care is plenty. Plus, your cute picture of Artist Stu is enough to cheer me up all by itself. It reminds me of my Artist Jesse. :)

     
  • At 11:30 AM , Blogger Liz said...

    Roxanne, if it ever happens to me I'll try to focus on really cute shoes. Then I'll send them all to you.

    :)

     
  • At 11:47 AM , Blogger Roxanne said...

    Liz- Thanks for keeping me in mind. I WILL remember and be waiting for the man in brown to show up at my door. ;)

     

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