Under the Quilt

I'm here. You're here. Let's talk amongst ourselves.

Friday, September 30, 2005


What I am thankful for....not in any certain order:

That fall is finally here which means snow is even closer....I am sooo building a family of snow people

That the extremely loud well pump finally turned off

That my mom and her best friend from school are getting a relaxing vacation to Hawaii this next week....no husbands, no kids, no problem

That I have a great family who loves me

That we're going to be getting a dog soon....even though that means picking up dog crap in the yard, that's what the kids are for right?

That I don't have to cook dinner tonight.....frozen lasagna, baby and store bought raspberry pie

That I found an awesome gliding rocker chair for my daycare for $15 at a yard sale

That I don't have to wake up early tomorrow and hubby and I can "spend time together" in bed....morning always is better :)

That I finally talked to my mom and dad last night.....been missing my family pretty much

That I found blogging to be so therapeutic....who knew?

Parents just don't understand (gotta love Will Smith)

Our local high school band where we just moved seems pretty awesome. Although they really do need some flag girls to jazz it up a bit. I'm not biased in this area at all. From about third grade through sixth grade I was also a majorette. It was really fun, met some really neat people. My mom was the one that got me interested in twirling as she and her cousin were the majorettes for their high school. That was back in the day when their uniforms looked more like a drum majorette's. Not too much skin showing now, ya here? I always did hate the one uniform we had with the sequins for the top half. Extremely itchy when the temp. rose over 100 for some of our parades! Good thing I wasn't developed at that point. Would have made it much worse. I always did miss the twirling after our instructor moved away and our group dissipated. Last year I started up a group of twirlers because I thought it would be a fun way to get back into it. The group included my daughter, her best friend, 4 of my sister's kids, and one other girl who is a family friend. It was an interesting group as none of them seemed to want to listen when it was practice time. But then when I threatened (talked to sternly) them that we may just end baton lessons, they all took it pretty hard. So we continued, they listened for a while, and we actually had a somewhat successful performance at Christmastime. We went to an elderly care home and performed a very simple (and boring) routine to Jingle Bells. We also did a little diddy to Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree (have a happy holiday). Great--now I'm gonna have that idiotic song stuck in my head the rest of the day. Anyhow, I didn't anticipate how long it would take for some of them to catch onto the most basic twirls. So, our routines ended up pretty bland. But the old people loved it. One lady fell asleep part way through but I'm sure she enjoyed the part she did see. I really felt bad when we had made the decision to move and I had to tell the kids that we would not be practicing anymore.

A few days ago, Jesse (daughter) came home with a flyer for baton camp. Yeah!! We got our batons out and started playing around outside a bit. She decided she does want to try it again. The teachers for the camp are the three majorettes for the high school. She will probably listen to them much better than she did with me as I am just --boring old mom--.

Bobby (son) was in band the past 2 1/2 years. The first year he played trumpet. Mainly because we already had a trumpet and a trombone at home and he did NOT want to carry that big thing back and forth to school. Can't blame him there. The next year he decided to try the drums. Partly because one of his friends played and partly cuz he didn't have to carry an instrument home. He was actually pretty good at drums. The next year he decided to try drums again. This was in 6th grade. Somewhere along the way, he lost interest and stopped going to class. We did not find this out until the Christmas concert was coming up and he had no clue when or where it was going to be. We talked to his teacher and she informed us that he had not been coming to class for the past couple of months. Turns out he didn't want to miss out on science class so he stopped going to band. Kind of dissappointing to me and hubby as we know how much fun band can be and how much the social aspect of it changed our lives. But I am a firm believer in parents not trying to live through their kids. Just because we enjoyed something as kids, does not mean that our kids will have a passion for it. And vice versa. If there is something that sparks their interest that we think is idiotic, we need to withhold any comments and support them in their passion. And what is up with the mothers who dress up their little girls for those pathetic beauty pageants? Make up and curling irons are not meant for 4 year old girls so they can go parading around like their all grown up. Jon Benet Ramsey. Need I say more?

Friday, September 23, 2005

I am thankful for.......

I want to start adding this to my posts. It may not be every time but I'm going to try it out anyways.

3 things that I am thankful for today:

Hubby and I reconnecting both emotionally and physically (oh, yah!)

Jesse has a new group of friends that she is actually calling "her friends"

Bobby has made friends at school. He is not getting sad about missing his bf so often

maybe I'll do a longer list later, but for now I'm going to try to get at least 3 a day out of myself.
Just a little reminder of what I need to be thankful for and not be so materialistic(even though that may show up from time to time)

stay tuned in for the next episode of.........roxanne--the hot, latin lover from long island (o.k. I'm really just a white chic from Ohio who is really horny and roxanne is not my real name)

A Whole Lotta Love

I have been reading a really good book called "Depression Fallout" by Anne Sheffield. It explains in great, painful detail what happens to the loved ones of a drepressive. It is basically like reading my life story of my marriage to hubby. I am lucky enough to have a partner that sees his illness for what it is and is willing and able to not deny it. So many depressed people are in such a fog that they cannot see anything in the "real" world. Hubby was there during his suicidal period but he has come so far since then. He is really enjoying feeling somewhat normal right now and actually being able to enjoy simple things in life:

Barbequeing an amish grown chicken on new barby (quite tasty I might add)

Wrestling on the living room floor with the kids

Mowing the lawn with our new(bought used) riding tractor

Going to a baseball game by himself (so he doesn't have to deal with the rest of us bored soles)

Drinking a beer after work (just one, not a case or anything)

Sex on consecutive nights (I don't know what has gotten into me, but HE actually turned me down on night #4)

It is nice to have him "stable" and I can only hope that it lasts for a while. Maybe he has found the right meds., the right dosage, and the right amount of lovin' to make things work. We were talking last night and he said that he has not felt this connected with me ever in all the years of our marriage. Ditto for me. It is a great feeling to love and to be loved. And at this point in our marriage I know that it's not just the love crazed infatuation of being with someone new. We are two 30 something people who have been there and back with each other and still miss each other when we're apart. It's great.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Stop your damn procrastinating, woman!

Just sitting here waiting for our new washing machine to be delivered. It is a front loading one just like in the laundromats. Should be cool. I keep procrastinating with unpacking our many boxes that are scattered throughout the house. I then feel guilty for not having done enough work here at home while my hubby is at work getting stressed from being at a job that he already does not like. I REALLY need to get busy getting the house ready for me to open my business. Family daycare. It is fun, rewarding, challenging, exhausting, degrading(at times--when parents call you the "babysitter"). All in all I love it and am looking forward to finding a new group of kids and families to get to know and love and welcome into our home and family. I had to close my daycare in CA at the end of June. It was really tough as some of the children and their parents were/are like family. I actually become more close and attached to my daycare children than I do with my nieces and nephews. I suppose that is what happens when you spend 40-50 hours a week with some of these kids. It is somewhat of a moral issue with me. I love to be the person that the parents put their trust into to care, love, cherish, and nurture their child through all of their stages of growth. I also feel that some of the kids I have cared for over the years would be much better off growing and developing at home with their parents. I realize more than most people that a lot of parents don't have much choice but to work and supports their family. That is just a fact of life. But there are also families that could afford to live off of one parent's income if they really tried to make it work. Is it worth the price you pay in the end to have 2 nice cars, a new house, money to go on extravagant vacations? If you end up missing most of your child's "firsts" for all of these luxuries, again is it really worth it? Having said that, I respect my daycare parents for the tough decisions that they have to make with their children. It is one of the hardest things to do as a parent, putting all of your trust into someone else to care for this precious being. I feel a great responsibility in the role that I play in these children's lives. For some of them, they are with me more of their waking hours than they are with their parents. I have the responsibility to teach them life skills, manners, language skills, social skills, among many other things.

I just recently emailed one of my daycare moms from CA and she said her son keeps asking to drive by our old house to make sure that I'm not there. He was probably the hardest of all of my kids to have to leave. He had a very strong bond with me. It is not easy to just move on and start with a new group. At least I have lots of good memories to hold onto though. And we will be back there to visit since my family is there.

So I suppose I ought to get back to the unpacking so I can be that much closer to opening the biz and contributing to our family income. We really don't want to blow through all of our earnings from selling high in CA and buying somewhat low in OH. Isn't real estate great when it works in your favor? Onward and upward.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Ahhhh....those good ol' memories

Recently I found a group of bloggers who happen to be friends in high school. It seems most of the group is part of the high school band. Boy does that bring back some memories. My hubby and I met because we were both band geeks. Technically I was an "auxillary" geek which is much higher up on the totem pole of geekness. I guess it doesn't much matter. You're all pretty much lumped into the same category by the stuck up popular kids. Anyways, we met my freshman year, he was a junior. He started out with writing me a note to see if I wanted to ride next to him on the bus to the halloween party. This note came as quite a shock to me as I was always the shy, awkward one in my group of friends who never (and I mean NEVER) was brave enough to even talk to a guy, let alone do anything of any sort of romantic nature with. So of course the bus ride was very awkward. We spoke only a handful of words to each other the whole time, sitting in the front seat of the bus right behind the driver. Get this, the driver is his MOM!!!!! She drove bus from right out of high school until the day she died at age 55. Very neat lady but I unfortunately did not have time to get to know her or vice versa as she died 6 months before we got married. Sorry for the sidetrack. So our first "encounter" as you might call it was quite interesting, embarrassing, and I guess rather boring (which would be not very interesting at all, I guess). Sometime after that we decided to go together. That term has always entertained me. So just where is it that you are going and how long will you be there? Our supposed boyfriend/girlfriend interlude went on for about a total of 1-2 weeks. We spoke very little to each other the whole time. It did include a few trips to lunch at the local Jack in the Box with his group of friends, a lot of time spent in the band room which is not where my friends and I ever hung out, and a band trip to a competition. The band trip was the highlight since we sat together on the way home when all the lights get turned out. We sat cuddled underneath my fuzzy red, white, and blue blanket (which I still have how many years later...19?) and kinda sorta kissed. O.K. not really. He tried to and I was so scared because I was very naive, that I sort of turned away and he got my cheek mostly. So he technically was not my first kiss, but oh well. (at least he was my first "you know what", but I'll get to that later) I eventually realized that I was feeling isolated from my typical group of friends that I hung out with so I basically started to avoid him. This was not very well thought through on my part because I ended up making him feel rejected and I'm sure he was trying to figure out what was wrong with him. It was not him at all. I just didn't want to be stuck in the band room on every freaking break between classes. I will never, NEVER forget the look in his eyes the day he finally caught up with me at my locker. Instead of telling him the truth, I basically just brushed him off. I rushed off to health class (not hearing a thing the teacher said) and had that vision of his puppy dog eyes in my brain the whole time. It was a combonation of hurt, questioning, rejection that still to this day unnerves me when I see it. I really hate that look. It bores itself deep down into my soul.

We continued to both be in band, he playing trombone and I in the flags, banners, dance. Our band went to Austraila in 1988 the summer after he graduated. It was one of those trips of a lifetime. We had spent over and year and a half fundraising for this 2 week trip. You name it we sold it. Cow patty party, lucky duck river race, gambling calendars, see's candy, etc. Hubby and I did not really co-mingle at all his remaining years in high school. We were always within arms reach (figuratively) of each other. We experienced much of the same things throughout those years but on different levels with different immediate groups of friends. The next few years for me were spent watching my friends dabble with romantic interludes. Some of them a little too close for comfort if you ask me. The only other person I ever "went out with" other than my hubby was someone I hardly even knew. He was my best friend's boyfriend's best friend. So basically I was set up on a blind date. He was exotic, dark skin, dark curly flowing hair, Brazillian. I always have had a thing for guys like that. Funny that I ended up with a white, red-head. Anyhow.....my parents go out of town and leave my sister and I home alone. Sister goes out with her boyfriend so my best friend and I invite her boyfriend and his bf over. We've never met but hey I'm getting desperate at this point. I'm 15 yo and have never been kissed. Sounds like a movie don't it? They brought over a few wine coolers (cheerleader beer as hubby calls em) and we had ourselves a mini party. My bf and her boyfriend went into my parent's bedroom just to fool around (I know because I was kinda there when she lost her virginity, next car over parked at the dam). Marcio and I (don't you love that name...so exotic and yummy) stayed in the living room. We slowed danced in the dark for a while to some really good 80's music and I finally had my official first kiss. We eventually made it to the couch where he proceeded to fondle more than I was probably prepared for at the time, but like I said, I was desperate. Not too much longer we hear my sis and her boyfriend pull up in the driveway. On go the lights, party is over. We tried to straighten our clothes as good as possible but I'm sure we looked very obvious. Flipped the t.v. on and pretended we had been sitting there for hours. I have no idea what was on the tube since we had like 2 channels that came in. I introduced Marcio to my sis. I don't know if she ever said anything to my parents or not. Was quite fun though. That my friends is my only romantic interlude with anyone besides my hubby. So yes, I have only actually "been" with one person. I always wonder what it would be like with someone else. I am not complaining one bit of course. Nothing wrong in that department of our marriage. It is always something that I can fantasize about though, right? More on that later.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Hello, anyone there?

Helllooo! Can anyone hear me? I know I started this blog for me to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head and into real words, but I also like to get feedback from real people. So if any of you bloggers are out there and want to say hi, give some words of encouragement (do I need it?), or whatever....go for it! O.K. do I sound desperate enough yet? I hope so because I am.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Feeling lucky (or not)

I recently found a blog that is from a 25 year old guy who 1 1/2 years ago became a quadrapalegic in a skiing accident. It is so interesting, inspiring, and thought provoking to read his thoughts about life. He is trying to figure out where his place is in this world. I can't stop thinking about his blog just because it makes me realize how much I have to be grateful for. Just the simple things in life. He has a list of things that he misses, some of them heart wrenching to read. Hugging his nieces, putting a ring on a girl's finger, scraping the windshield, making breakfast, holding hands, etc. It really has made me think about what I have and that I need to consciencly enjoy every moment that I have with my hubby and kids. It also makes me feel guilty that I somewhat wanted to move away from my family because I always get so irritated at every family gathering. My family had been everything to me. But over the past few years, I have become cynical and flat out irritated every time we would get together with my parents and sister and her husband and their seven kids. It becomes chaotic to the point that the adults cannot talk to each other without constant interruptions of whining and fighting and screaming and time-outs and you name it. Now that we're living halfway across the country, I am feeling guilty for not being very grateful. I already started to envision what it will like when they come to visit. "Stop touching that! Do not even think of throwing that pool ball! and on and on and on. Maybe my sister and my parents can visit and the rest of them can stay home. See, I'm not very grateful for my sweet, darling nephews and nieces and ranting and raving brother-in-law. Another thing that I feel bad about is being jealous of my parent's time. They have been foster parents for the past 8 years or so. They decided to do this because my sister and her husband had been foster parents for a few years. That is how they have ended up with seven children. First took them in as foster children, and then adopted them when it was a possibility. They have had a few children that eventually went back to live with their birth parents. So my parents at first got into foster care for what I believe is the right reasons. But now, they continue to take in kids even though my mom (in my opinion) is not physically or mentally capable of doing so. My dad still works so he does not have much involvement in caring for the kids. She says that she wants to take in the "easy ones". Infants mostly, but toddlers as a possibility. The problem is that most foster children end up staying in care for way longer than the law is supposed to allow. The infants that they take in eventually turn into toddlers, who turn into preschool age. You see where this is going. It's not that I don't have a heart for these poor children in these unbearable, life-altering situations. I just don't think that my parents should still be taking in these children. They are both in their 60's and not in very good health for that age. I would love to see my parents be able to have time to spend with their grandchildren and actually enjoy them. They are always preoccupied with "their kids" to be able to appreciate their own grandkids. It was very irritating to me to live in the same city as my parents and not have them come pick up our kids to do something spontaneous with them. Even just to go get an ice cream cone or take them to the park. My daughter got to the point where she said, "Granny is evil! All she does is yell at the kids when we go over there." This is not the mother that I grew up with. I believe there is a time when people are physically and mentally no longer prepared to raise children. My parents have reached their prime. A long time ago. Of course I'm the sweet innocent child that doesn't want to stir up anything so I never tell them my true feelings. How would you approach that subject with your parents? I don't know if there is a way. And I know it would not be taken very well if I did say anything.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Why here?

Ever since we moved to Ohio from California, everyone we meet says, "Why here?" They all have this preconceived notion that CA is this great place with warm beaches, tanned fit bodies, and surfer dudes saying, "Whoa, dude!" every 5 seconds. Reality: we liked where we lived but were basically bored and wanted to see different things. We lived on the far north coast where the ocean water is always cold year round. I do miss just being able to take the kids and hang out, listening to the waves. We'll have to take a trip to the Carolina beaches during non-hurricane season. The weather there was either foggy and cold, foggy and relatively pleasant, sunny and windy, or raining. We are looking forward to actual change of seasons here. The leaves on some of the trees have already started to change. We are looking forward to snow. I know we will get to the point where we are just freaking tired of shoveling/blowing/plowing the snow, but until then we're going to love it. Our new property has some mild slopes that I think will be great for sledding. We just have to watch out for all the trees! Snow angels, snow people(have to be politically correct), snow ball fights. Can't wait! So everyone here seems to think that we must be nuts to think we would enjoy Ohio more than CA. We did not make this decision randomly. For the most part not. Hubby and I took a trip last November to scout out potential spots. I was suprised that he was even willing to make the trip. He was not in a very good spot with his depression and was weary that I would get my heart set on moving. He said he would make the trip if: 1. I promised not to get my heart set on anything. 2. We didn't tell anyone about our potential plans of moving (except my mom since she kept our kids during our trip) 3. I again didn't get my heart set on moving. So we took our trip, driving through Wisconsin, Michigan, and Ohio. We had ruled out some places before the trip. We wanted to live near a decent size Univ., near some interesting places to camp and vacation, near enough to the east coast to vacation, near a large enough city for Hubby's job opportunity. After our trip we had narrowed it down to Grand Rapids, MI (hubby liked but I was not too thrilled with) Stevens Point, WI (I really liked the area but hubby thought it was not a large enough city for his job opp.) and the city in Ohio that we ended up in(I'm still too chicken to let blog people know where I am). So, we really like the place we ended up, the kids are relatively happy except for missing friends from back in CA. My son keeps saying " Nobody likes me, I don't have any friends. But that's o.k. I don't need any." This really scares me. Maybe it's because it brings back so many bad memories of my 6th grade year when I REALLY didn't have any friends. I would just wander around the playground every recess. I also had this one bench outside the classroom that I became good friends with for a good portion of the year. People always say that parents should not try to live their lives through their kids. I definitely agree with that. But it still really bothers me that he is not that concerned about making friends. He has always been very likeable by other kids and it's always been very easy for him to connect with other kids. When we first moved out here this summer, he immediately made friends with the boys in the neighborhood. Unfortunately, the house that we bought is in the next school district. And because there is such little time for socializing at school, it just hasn't happened yet. Funny thing happened to him the other day. As he was getting off of the bus, he says this girl handed him this business card and said, "Tonight. 7:30-8:30". He said, "I was like what?" Turns out it was a card for a church and she was probably inviting him to the youth group. I told him that maybe she likes you. He said nobody likes me. I don't have any friends. He didn't get that I meant maybe she LIKES you. He's only 12 and still in that innocent state of mind. Hubby said maybe she's a "churchy" and hands those cards out to anyone and everyone she can trying to "spread the word". Hopefully he'll make some friends if he makes the basketball team. In P.E. class he said that they're now playing soccer and he's the only one there who has ever played on a team before. I guess football(the american version), basketball, and baseball are the 3 biggies back here. In CA practically every kid played soccer. Funny thing. One of our neighbors at our rental house was one of those macho "my kid's tougher than your kid's type". He is apparently very proud of how athletic his 2 boys are. Basketball, football, wrestling, you name it, they do it. Hopefully they grow up knowing that it's o.k. to express feelings and not always have to be "the man" and shake it off when they get knocked down on the playing field. It always irritates me to no end when I hear a dad say, "Shake it off. You're o.k. Get back out there and show 'em who's boss." How about a hug and a few minutes on the bench to gather your thoughts that were just scrambled by getting your head knocked around? How bout that Pa? O.K. enough of my rambling for now. Over and out!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

New day, new sh*t

Well, we are officially moved into our new house. It was not an easy task. It involved literally breaking into our own house two weeks after we signed the final papers. The morning after we moved in, hubby finds out we have no hot water. Yes, our natural gas was turned off because apparently I was supposed to send them a copy of my driver's license and social security card. Why, I have no idea. How is that going to prove that I'm going to pay my bill? For a week we drove back and forth to our rental house to take showers and baths for the kids. The first day we were able to take showers at our new house, the drain in the basement starts to back up. We have no idea if this was something the previous owners knew about or not. At first it was just clear water.....then a few days later, BROWN!!! Yes, you guessed it. Raw sewage seeping rather quickly into the basement. We have a septic tank rather than being on city sewer. So our initial thought was the tank was full. Had it pumped still did not solve the problem. They called out their drain guy with his snake and he seemed to have fixed the problem. Next day, water is coming up out of the drain near the well pump. We have no idea what the deal is. I just want to take showers and wash dishes without having sewage/water/toilet paper coming into our new and rather cool hangout spot in the basement. My uncle who lives in San Diego is a semi-retired plumber. Maybe he can take a trip out here and help us out! Or maybe I just call back the really cute plumber with his snake (I know, I know). At least my hubby liked the joke when I told him. I really need to stop procrastinating and go scrub the poo off the floor and hope (fingers, toes, eyes crossed) that stuff doesn't start shooting out of the drain again. Any advise out there from anyone? Awww the smell of bleach. I'm feeling light headed already.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Rain from Katrina has passed

I am torn between being happy to see the rain pass and the feeling that all of those people suffering will continue for who knows how long. The rain that we had here in Ohio(after effects of Katrina) has passed. It was a strange feeling that we only had a constant, calmly falling rain while all of those others have such devastation. I wish I could do more than just send a few measly dollars to the red cross. I wish I could invite a family here and house them for however long they needed. I guess I will just send what money I can to the red cross, though. Who knows if they will even rebuild New Orleans in the same location? I suppose the people living there will have their own opinions, with so much history there and all.

We are feeling pretty lucky right now. We have a warm, dry place for us and our kids to sleep at night. Plenty of food and water. I really don't feel like I can complain about our situation right now. Yes, we are sleeping on the floor of an almost empty house, but who cares? We are trying to make the most of the situation. We are going to take a break this weekend and go to a concert with the kids. There is an outdoor ampitheater nearby and they're having the Cincinatti Pops perform the Star Wars music. Afterwards they will have fireworks. Should be fun.

I checked out a couple of movies from the library(along with a book) to pass the time while the kids are at school and until we actually move. It seems like the public library should spend money on books and educational videos like National Geographic nature and Nova, etc. But they have all kinds of movies, so I guess I'll take advantage of it instead of renting them at the video store. I watched "About a Boy" yesterday with Hugh Grant. It was actually entertaining and somewhat thought provoking. Going to watch "Chicago" today. It isn't one that I would have paid to rent, but since it's free I want to see what all the hype was about. Tell you if I liked it later.