Sleeping with the Beast

Well, it's finally happened. My days of cuddling and snuggling are long gone. Yesterday hubby picked up his machine to help him breath at night. He was excited. Restful nights of sleep ahead......for him. I, on the other hand, feel crappy this morning. All night long I kept waking up, each time instinctively wanted to roll over and snuggle up with my loved one. But how do you do such a thing when there's a mask involved. I haven't quite figured this one out yet. And I haven't figured out how I'm going to live with the fact that he now has one less reason to be motivated to do something about his weight problem. Every single website I went to to find out about sleep apnea said that being overweight is the number one reason for sleep apnea. He is in denial. He thinks that he has had this problem since before he was overweight. His so-called doctor has not made any suggestions of weight loss to solve this problem. So why is he going to listen to me? I don't know anything right? So now I must resign to sleeping with a machine. I feel like taking a bat to it already. This might sound selfish, but it's the truth. My only hope at this point is that because he is getting a restful night of sleep, that he will have the energy during the day to want to do something physical (other than going to work and sitting at a desk all day) and that will lead to being healthier and hopefully eventually be able to sleep without a machine to pump fresh air into his nose.

I think what angers me so much is the fact that this is something preventable. I can see it. He denies it. It is so frustrating. Without belittling somebody, how do you motivate them to do something to improve their life, health, and overall outlook on life? That's something else I must figure out. Any help?

Peeping Tom..........and Tomette

Have you ever thought much about undressing in a public locker room? It's the perfect place for a lesbian or gay man to have some free entertainment. I'm not worried about it personally. I always figure if someone wants to check me out (not that there's much TO check out), go for it. These are the things that go plague my mind while changing for the pool.

To Do.......or Not To Do

I've been sitting here with a blank screen for what seems like forever. For the past few days I have had a few really good ideas for writing....they have all escaped my brain. So let's see what I can come up with.

Things on my to do list:

put together Little Tikes climber-got frustrated yesterday when I couldn't get past step #1,took a nap in the warm springtime sun

spackle and sand down the wall that hubby completed to prepare it for mural painting

laundry

vacuuming

taxes

clean up clutter in kitchen, living room, family room

etc

etc

etc


What am I doing? Blogging. Wasting time until I go to my 11:00 water aerobics class. Bad me. I should get up off my butt and do something but I'm too lazy.

No problems in paradise.......just some good, honest advice

Why is it that, in general as a human race, people have a problem with admitting that they have hurt someone else with their statements?

If someone is speaking from their heart, about their true feelings, why do they have to deny that they could have hurt someone ?

Why must they always make the statement that the other person misunderstood what was said?

I believe that if you try to deny the person's feelings (by making it look like they just took it the wrong way) that it is more hurtful than if you just affirm that something you've said or done caused bad feelings.

You may take this as my personal advice for the day.

It's hug your kid day

Or any other loved one that you can get your hands on.

Yesterday we received a "parent broadcast" (a recorded message sent to all the parents) from our son's school. The principal reported that they were sad to announce that one of the students had "passed away" earlier that morning at his home.

My initial reaction was a lump in my stomach. How must his parents feel? Was it due to an illness? How easily this could be my child.

When my son came home from school today I asked him if they had talked about this boy. He said the teachers did not mention anything other than the info we got from the phone call. He did hear this boy's friends talking of possible suicide. Apparently this boy was very troubled. He was taking drugs, many behavior/discipline issues at school. They have a demerit system in which each student starts with 100 points at the beginning of the year. His point total was in the negative. Unfortunately it sounds like this boy was in a deep depression and was crying out for help....in his own way. It is so sad to see an unneccesary loss of life. He was only in 8th grade...probably 13 or 14 years old.

Makes me want to hug my kids a million times today. Of course they might get a little annoyed with me, but I don't care.

We are all alike. We are all different.

That is the title of a children's book. It teaches kids that, yes, we are all human and have a lot of things in common. But we must not forget our differences. We can and should embrace our differences since that's what makes each of us unique. That's what makes us interesting to others. Just imagine if we were all the same? Kind of like when couples have too much in common. Conversations would get pretty boring.

I finally got around to watching the movie "Crash". Thought provoking does not give it justice. I thought this was an excellent movie, but it leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth.

People try to convince themselves everyday that we have come a long way as far as prejudice is concerned. We SOOO have not. In those instances that it is not blatant, there is almost always something sitting there under the surface.

I consciencly try not to let the things that I heard growing up come into my thoughts today. My parents were/are of the generation where they tried to convince people that they were not prejudice. I never thought twice about some of the comments I used to hear as a kid. "Rag heads" was one of my mom's favorites. Lovely ain't it?

I grew up in the mom 'n pop grocery mini-mart that my family owned. In the 80's we had a large population of Hmong families that moved into the neighborhood. My parents would make comments about how they are just leeching off of the American taxpayers. They get to buy new vans, keep having babies every nine months, and have no desire to work. Talk about over generalizing.

I must admit that as much as I want to seperate myself from the prejudices that I grew up with, I still have thoughts that I don't want to have occupying my brain. I am determined to not allow these thoughts to turn into comments to be passed onto the next generation. That is all I can expect of myself, right?

I am shy. I am normal.

I've been reading a book from the library called "Living Fully with Shyness and Social Anxiety" by Erika B. Hillard. I wasn't quite sure what to expect by reading this, but I am pleasantly surprised by it. The "lightbulb" moment for me was when the author stated that it is perfectly normal to be shy. It is only in the Western cultures that shyness is seen as a sign of weakness. In western society we expect people to be driven, outwardly social (almost to the point of being obnoxious), and to "put themselves out there" in order to be considered a success. In other cultures shyness is seen as being an attribute. Shy people are often very considerate of other's feelings and great listeners. It is only when we let our shyness take over and allow it to prevent us from doing the things in life that we enjoy, that it can become a 'problem'. Normal shyness should be something that we embrace and not feel bad about. I have never EVER thought this way before. It is such a strange concept for me to wrap my brain around. It also makes complete sense to me. If shyness is a part of my personality and a part of who I truly am, than why should I not embrace it just the same as any other part of my personality?

Siskel and Ebert

I have discovered a really cool alternative to paying to rent movies at the video store. Our public library system has tons of movies, even new ones. I have been putting "holds" on movies and then the library emails me when they are available. It beats combing the shelves upon shelves of movies.

I most recently watched what I thought was going to be a cheesy, feel good movie called "Pay it Forward" starring Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt, and Haley Joel Osment. I must say I was quite surprised with it as the cover made it look like a Hallmark movie. It was good though. I would recommend it.

I have also watched Punch Drunk Love. Freeaaaky! It had the feeling of Mullholland Drive. Trying to be artsy and confusing all at once. Not that I was totally confused, I just didn't like it.

Let's see.....I've watched 50 First Dates. Was also surprised by the story line. I expected it to be corny/cute but it was actually better than that. I would recommend it.

Hubby and I watched the Crying Game together. With all the hype about the "big surprise" the rest of the movie was what did it for me. What I mean is that people made it sound like the whole story line to this movie is about the transvestite. There is sooo much more to this movie than that. Now that I FINALLY got around to watching this one, I'm sure the rest of you have already seen it. If you haven't, I would recommend it.

My daughter is thrilled. I just brought home Napoleon Dynamite. We watched it at my sister's over Christmas and she has been bugging me to rent it ever since. She loves the scene on the bus where the kid asks Napoleon what he's doing and he answers, "Whatever I want to. Gaawwwd!!" It is exactly like my nephew. Sad, but true.

I also brought home "Crash". I've been wanting to watch this one for a while. Will tell ya if I'm as impressed as the rest of the people I've heard review it.

It's all fun and games

My mom is an email forwarder. I used to just delete the insane amount of forwarded emails that she used to send me, but I have recently started to read them. The chain letter emails freak me out. Am I really supposed to beleive that if I don't pass it on to 10 more people that I am going to have bad luck the rest of my life? We have had some pretty nasty thunderstorms here this past week and I haven't been struck down yet, so I'm guessing that they're bogus.

So one of the recent emails she sent was a "chinese horoscope". It was similar to a fun little game that I once saw on someone's blog. So I decided to play. You are supposed to slowly scroll down answering each question without peeking ahead to the answers at the end. Here are my results.

13 is your lucky number.......true (if there is such a thing as a "lucky" number)

7 is the number of how many people you should send this to...........blah, blah, blah

Hubby is the one that you love............true

Mom is the one that you think of most often..............true

Dad is the one that knows you the best..................at first I thought this might not be true-we always struggle to keep a conversation flowing-but I think that is only because we are so much the same!

Grandpa is your shining star...........I believe this is true-my grandpa died 4 years ago and I believe he is always watching over me.

Bro-in-law is the one that you like but the relationship will never work right...........I kinda agree-I like him but he really annoys me most of the time.

Crying game is the song that describes hubby.............WOAH,NELLY! the only reason I picked this song is because we watched this movie on Sat.

Can't buy me love decribes bro-in-law............ok whatever.

Cum on feel the noise decribes what is in your head..............probably pretty close.

Shiny, happy people describes how you view life...................sometimes.

Random thoughts

A few random things:

I didn't notice until the last time I talked to my parents on the phone that my dad always ends the conversation calling me "sweetheart". It made me cry when I realized it. I'm 33 years old and it made me feel that same special feeling that I always felt as a girl. Daddy's little sweetheart.

I am one step closer to joining the force of working people once again. WOO freaking HOO! You have no idea how much I need this. I think my hubby has finally gotten the idea that I am about to go insane if I don't start working again.

My lovely, talented, artistic daughter decided that she wants to paint a mural on the wall that hubby is building around our furnace (same wall I've been waiting months for). Even though this will extend the time before I am ready to work, I am pleased that we will have some pleasant artwork to admire daily. Pictures will be posted upon completion. Plans so far: farm scene (hence the name: farm friends daycare). Smartass hubby says, " But there aren't any farm animals." Smartass Roxanne retorts, "Your next project is the barn."

We went to the downtown library today. Partly because we've been planning on checking it out, partly because I've been laying in bed the past 3 days with the flu and needed to get out of the house. It's a 3 story building with tons of books. The only problem is they don't shelve the books like any other library I've been to. I went up to the 3rd floor (taking the stairs instead of the elevator not wanting to be lazy but soon regretting this decision since I'm still extremely weak from the flu....wah wah poor me) I found the section on the shelf that the book SHOULD have been residing only to discover a small sign telling me to go to the first floor. Trudge back down the stairs, still can't find the book and finally had to ask for help (something I hate to do). Turns out they have different categories in non-fiction and fiction. Whatever happened to just having non-fiction numbers 0-gazillion? That's just me.

I'm going to be sleeping with a machine, till death do us part. Hubby goes back to the sleep clinic this next week to get his machine for sleep apnea. Oh joy! He gets to sleep more restfully and I get to stare at the ceiling wondering how do you cuddle up to someone wearing machinery.

That's all.

Dreaaaaam............All I Want to do is Dream

I recently checked out a couple of library books on dream interpretation. I am always trying to interpret my dreams but have never read anything on this. I must say..........very interesting. Here is some of the stuff I found from the book "The Secret Language of Dreams" by David Fontana.

"To dream of being naked in a public place, among other people wo are unconcerned about the fact, or oblivious to it, usually indicates that we should discard as groundless any fears that we will be rejected if our real self is revealed." Well, I have to say I agree with that one. I am always dreaming that I am naked in public. There's also the anonymous blog thing, too.

Toilet Dreams:
"To dream of unsuccessfully searching for a toilet may indicate a conflict between the need to express oneself in public and a fear of doing so. If a dreamer is anxious that a toilet lacks privacy, it may indicate fear of public exposure, or a need for greater self-expression." I do have recurring toilet dreams. I always thought that it was just because I had a full bladder and my brain was trying to wake me up. This is very interesting and I agree with interpretation. I usually dream that I am searching and searching and every public restroom that I come upon is not toilet worthy. I race from stall to stall and it either turns out to be some sort of shower stall or if it is a toilet, it's plugged and overflowing or there is no door on the stall. I either end of peeing in the shower (eeewww!) or sitting down to relieve myself on the toilet with people walking by watching. Weird.

A few anecdotes from the past few days:

While sitting in my van in the parking lot I witness a handsome 20 something male walking towards my vehicle. The thought popped into my head that he was an attractive guy.........until he started coughing, hacking, and eventually hacked up a great big one. That's not the best part. It unfortunately did not all make it from his mouth to the ground. Yes, he had a lovely string of snot, mucous, what have you hanging from his mouth in which he proceeded to wipe with the sleeve of his jacket. Handsome gent.

I'm walking through the mall (after having a crying session in the car....more later) and I see the old man with the clipboard. Oh yeah, you know the one........the survey dude. First question, "Would you like to lose at least 10 pounds?" I nonchalantly answer, "No." Survey dude responds quite surprised, "Really? None at all?" "Nope. I'm really not interested in doing a survey. But thanks anyway." As I walk away I look back and he looks quite confused. I wonder if anyone ever gives that answer. Of course I was lying because I do want to lose more weight and I actually should. I actually did the math the other day and I have lost 45 pounds over the course of the past year. I could probably stand to lose about 30 more. I just want to get to that stage of feeling really healthy and fit. I'm not looking to fit into a size 0 or anything. Who came up with that size anyways? Back to the survey dude. Later I thought of some good comebacks to that question. "What, do I LOOK like I need to lose weight?" was my favorite.

I'm sitting in my van (again) eating my yogurt, banana, and roasted almonds for lunch (YUM!). I see a guy get out of his car smoking a cigarette. My mind starts to wander and I think how sad it is that he may not be around for his family later on in life because he smokes. That makes me think of my hubby and the fact that he is now on blood pressure medicine, just got back from the sleep clinic to get tested for sleep apnea, will probably be clinically depressed his whole life, and uses every excuse in the book to not go to the "Y" with the kids and I. I start bawling. I have a sneaking suspicion that I may end up being a single parent and I don't want to be. I know that it's a vicious cycle with the depression. He doesn't feel good about himself therefore he doesn't want to take care of himself therefore.......... My kids love their dad and it will kill me if they lose him too soon.

At dinner tonight we're discussing fires and Jesse starts talking about how she's seen firemen take showers, but DEFINITELY not any private parts. Huh? Do I need to monitor your internet use a little more closely, child? I think it was just some t.v. show she was talking about. She said, "You know how when firemen get all dirty and full of soot from the fire. Well, they need to shower when they get back from the firehouse." I whispered in hubby's ear that maybe he needs to get all dirty and sooty so he'll need to take a shower.

More on my life and times in the next episode..............................

Shoe Fetish

I've never thought of myself to have a shoe fetish. Yes, I like a good shoe. I like my feet to be happy, comfy, and look good. I do NOT like to spend a lot of money on shoes though (Liz...$300....although they are cute!). I went into Kohl's today (a.k.a-my new Mervyn's) to return a shirt for hubby. On my way out of the store I spot a "Gold Star" savings sign in the shoe section. This is where they mark down clearance items an extra 50% off. Let's just say I think I bought more shoes in that one purchase than ever in my whole life. I found shoes for myself and for my kids but not for hubby. I've learned that it does me no good to buy him clothing or shoes. No matter what it is, he'll hate it. I don't think I need to shop for shoes for myself for the next 5 years. I actually had to stop myself (very hard) from loading up anymore into my cart. I think I almost had an orgasm right there in the aisle when I found some really comfy white, puffy winter boots marked down to $5. The most I paid for any pair was $7.50. Go me! Now I need to figure out which closet I'm taking over to hold all these good deals. I am so freaking psyched!