Update #2

I was going to update after our evening of The Flood of Tears, but I don't know if I can tell it better than this.

What I will add, is that it feels very strange from my perspective. I'm not quite sure what I expected, but I knew that I would try my darnedest to keep an open mind. The strangest part for me is how easy it has been to start building a bond. I feel like this is a new beginning, but it is also so much about looking into the past that it's very difficult to not get caught up in the what ifs. Just a few days before Grandma "Donna" arrived, Jesse was talking about "what if" Dad hadn't been given up for adoption. She wondered where she would be right now. Would we live in Ohio? In the same breath, and before I got a chance to say what she was thinking, she realized that she would not exist. Her dad and I would never have met because we would not have gone to the same school. Now if that's not a reason to stop the "what ifs" I don't know what is.

Moving on.

This morning Donna and I were talking about how relieved she felt last night going to bed. Even though it was stressful and draining for her to recall the whole scenario leading up to Ron's birth and the aftermath, she said it is one of her greatest hopes for him to understand how loved he was from the beginning (by her). Even though at the time she couldn't really understand her feelings surrounding his birth, she always knew that she loved him. And it's one of my hopes too, for him to be able to eventually accept that love.

There is so much that I would like to write, and need to write, but I don't think I'll be doing it here. I don't think most of it is appropriate to "put out there". But I definitely want to write down all the details that I can recall once I have time to. Mostly just so I can go back and read through and process whenever I need to. One of the best blessings is that Donna is willing to answer any questions and with as much detail as possible. As hurtful as it might be to hear, it is necessary. I just can't believe everything that she has gone through in her life, both good and bad. I can't write in detail about some of the great stories she's already told us (getting to hang out with Elvis ("El") and receive a full-on kiss from him, Prince coming over to their table and asking her blonde bombshell sister to dance, etc. ). the reason I can't tell is not only because I would not do justice to her great storytelling skills. It is also because she has a big plan to write a book, along with Ron if he is willing. I know you all will be buying a copy, right?!!

Along with all the tearful talks, Donna has embraced the role of Grandma. So far, she has gotten to visit the display of the art show where Jesse's creation is in the "Best of Show" case. As we were admiring all of the beautiful pieces of artwork, Donna mentioned to the nearby security guard that, "That painting in the corner is my granddaughter's." She then turned to me and said with a look of gratitude, "That feels so good to be able to say that."

Both Nate and Jesse have taken to her quite well. Better than we could have ever expected. Nothing has been pushed or forced, but both of them seem to genuinely like her and she them. Has it really only been three days since she arrived? Wow.

As we were looking at Donna's pictures today, I suddenly became fixated on her fingers. She has the same fingers as Ron. It's little things like that that really make it hit home. This is his mom. Wow.

The strangest feeling of all today? When I looked over, as we were just hanging out on the couch chatting, and it felt like the most familiar thing. It felt like we had been doing this for years. It felt like when my family comes to visit. How is this possible??!! Although I am not as closed off emotionally as some people, I am still reserved. And it almost always takes me a long time to let people in. To feel comfortable enough to hang out and be myself. Maybe it's because she is one of the most real people I have ever met. Pretty much doesn't hold anything back. You either love her or hate her. I think I already know which one I'll pick.

One of my favorite things about her? She's an open hugger. Even though I almost never am the one to offer a hug, I secretly love them. I guess if I want to get more hugs I need to train myself to be the hug offerer. Am I the only one that over thinks these kinds of things?

Update #1

Everything's going fine. Tears have been shed. Mostly during the before coffee, Ron still snoozing, beginning of daycare day session. It's all good. Funny thing is, as emotional as I can get (crying at commercials, sappy movies, a dead bug), I shed not one tear so far. I hope she didn't think I was an emotionless hard ass while she's telling me about how she didn't have a choice (sob, sob) and she wished that there was someway to go back and make Ron's childhood better.

Yes, she also said she knows it's not productive to do this, but it is probably unavoidable for someone who, at 16 years old, was bullied into giving away her baby and had no part in deciding where he was going. I can't even imagine.

She is falling into the grandma role very quickly. More tears were shed as she told me how touched she was when they first pulled into the driveway. Nate was outside and she said the look of anticipation and excitement as he not quite jogged over to meet her was something she'll always remember.

She's already got a trip to Goodwill with Jesse and I planned. All three of us are thrilled. Ron wants nothing to do with this. ;)

Some apparent similarities in the gene pool: She uses the word "hideous" when her mom shows her cute clothes (how many times have I heard that word from Jesse?). She's a nature lover and considered bringing her coffee table sized Audubon Society bird book with her to share (oops no room in the suitcase). We've yet to compare feet to see if she has the same weird curved toes that Ron and both the kids have.

And finally, you know that you've been using aliases for too long when...........

you accidentally use it in a "real life" email. Oops!

Happy Birthday to new Mom

And here's the scarves I made to give to her. The coloring in the picture is all messed up, but the one on the left is black and knitted (yay!). The one on the right is rose, crocheted, and super soft.





She sent me an email earlier today and said, "For the first time in my life, I'm stepping off a plane a mom and a grandma."

I think that pretty much says it all.

Looking from the past into the future

I never really had a chance to be a daughter-in-law. I never had the choice to either embrace or complain about my mother-in-law. She passed away before we were married. I had a brief amount of time to try to get to know her. Sadly, our relationship was marred with misunderstandings on both ends. I, being shy, unsure of my self, young and naive, did not feel very welcome in her house. This was my first real boyfriend relationship and I was all aglow with silly teenage love. I didn't really have the social skills to caress her ego. To make good enough small talk to pass the test. I was always polite, but in my book that also comes across as shy and passive. I know now that she tried to get to know me. To understand me and why I barely talked while in her presence. But how could that happen when she was struggling with the fact that I was taking her "baby" away from her? I'm not sure what our relationship would have evolved into had she lived to see us married. I sometimes wonder how it would have been if she had gotten to know my kids, her grandkids. I'm sure she would have been a very loving grandma and would have tried to spoil them as much as possible. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get over that guilty feeling of one of the last times I saw her alive. We were at her house and had had a very lengthy (or so it seemed at the time) conversation about Ron and I. He had popped the question, or rather just asked if I wanted to spend my life with him. I, of course, being completely and utterly "in love" with him, said yes. We hadn't told anyone or made it official. I think both of us were just trying to get used to the idea ourselves. And I think he may have been thinking what in the he double hockeysticks did I just do? I was 17, he 20. It was the summer after my high school graduation. It felt perfectly right to me. I always felt older than my chronological age. Looking back I can see why she reacted the way she did when she found out. Back then, I was just pissed. How dare she turn something so exciting and exhilarating into something to be ashamed of? Not only did she find out by snooping at a note that he'd written to me, but she pretty much demanded that we sit down and talk about it. I would have rather stuck a hot poker in my eye and left it there for days. Why did I need to place myself in the most uncomfortable position of getting ridiculed for loving someone enough to say I'll commit to marrying them? It wasn't like we were headed to Las Vegas the next weekend. At the time we were planning on waiting at least a year, probably more.

After our little "discussion" was over (in which we were told that it was proper and smart for Ron to have college out of the way, a career under his belt, and a house purchased) we went to leave the house so Ron could drive me home.

I have never been rude like this to anyone, especially someone who is my elder, in my whole life. It was one simple gesture, or non-gesture, but to me it was significant. When we were headed out the door and she said goodbye. I walked straight through the doorway, not turning back, not saying a word. Why am I still carrying this around after 16 years? Not sure. It's not something I think about frequently, but it's one of those moments that I wish I could go back and have a do-over.

In three short days I will be meeting my new mom-in-law. This relationship will not be like your typical mother/daughter-in-law relationship. There will not be any overtones of you're not good enough for my son. For this first meeting at least, I will try to step back and let this be more of a time for her to get to know her son. How freaking weird is this? She is a very talkative and what seems to be fun loving type of person. I usually get along better with people like that because they can fill in all the gaps with mindless drivel. I've never been very good at that and have always found it awkward and annoying when I have to play that role. It's much easier to let someone else rattle on and on. So I'm not worried about that.

The feelings that do worry me are the ones that always seem to surface their ugly head. Jealousy. You're probably thinking, "now why would jealousy even play a role here". It's hard for me to admit this because it seems so "out there" and so egocentric (and Ron if you're reading don't take this the wrong way or worry about me because you have enough to think about with your own feelings. It's just me writing things out.). Because for so long Ron has had no one he can connect with closely other than me (on an adult level) and a few blogger friends and one real life friend with whom I became insanely jealous because I suspected he had feelings for her other than "just friends" (does anyone remember those first few embarrassing posts which I should delete). Anyways, I feel like our dynamic is about to change. Possibly in a huge way. And I hope in a very positive way. And I don't want to ruin that for anyone with my stupid feelings. I want to be happy and supportive. But it's very weird when you have been someone's everyday sustenance of emotional support. I am so glad for him to have this new connection (and for me and the kids too). But it's different. And I know that change is good. It just takes some adjusting.

Our kids never knew they're "other grandma", Ron's adopted mom. It will be easier for them to accept her as grandma because they will have no other "my dad's mom" to compare her to. For Ron this will be more difficult. He has already let her know that he's not comfortable calling her mom. He may never. And hopefully she'll be fine with that. For me, I can see myself falling into the daughter-in-law role just fine. I've have always (ALWAYS) wanted to have in-laws. I wanted the choice of falling in love with them just as I did Ron, or complaining that they've overstayed their welcome and started to smell like fish (is that how that saying goes?-I am writing this at 3:30 am). Mostly, I wanted in-laws because that would mean that Ron would have someone other than me or the kids. Someone with whom he could connect. Someone with whom he could call his own. I always try to put myself in his position. I think I now know why he has always had a fixation with the scenarios of the kids and I getting in an accident and dieing and he is the sole survivor. Imagine, if you will, that the family and close family friends that you grew up with are all gone. Now imagine that your spouse and kids leave this world, too. I think I would be obsessed too.

All of this, and I haven't even started cleaning the freaking house for my first ever visit from the in-laws. Aaaaahhhh!!!! Get out the bleach and the vacuum kids. We're having a cleaning party tomorrow (yes, mom...whatever).


***I just wanted to add some memories that I have of my mom-in-law that was never meant to be (Ron's adopted mom): Her garlic french bread. I could have devoured the whole loaf. The way she really really tried to make me feel welcome and invited me to dinner. The rousing games of Pictionary. Her laugh. It was deep and guttural. A couple of gifts that she gave me. One was a cross stitch hanger that reads "Bear hugs are in". I've always found a special place to hang it in each of our houses.

Orgasms and Money

On Fridays I don't have any kids until later in the day, so I've been treating myself to licorice, chocolate, and a movie at the $1 theater (the treats of course I sneak in).

Today I saw "Because I Said So". It was entertaining and worth the $1 when I got all hot and bothered watching Mandy Moore's character explain what an orgasm feels like.

The other thing that made my day was when I saw a woman in Sam's Club run to catch up with an older gentleman that had dropped some of his money at the check out stand. It's little things like that that make me smile and realize that maybe the world is not going to pot.

Don't be messin' round on me

You know how sometimes you wake up from a dream that's so real, so gut wrenchingly real, that you HAVE TO seek out the person that did you so very, very wrong in that dream? And then if that evil person that did you wrong is lying right next to you when you wake up it's so very, very hard to not reach out and punch them smack in the face?

Don't worry, I restrained myself. But I still have not shaken the feeling that I had when I woke up. It's one that is still resting in my gut. Yes, it was just a dream. But the contents of the dream are something that happens to couples all too often. They are the types of things that split marriages and break off engagements. What am I talking about? You guessed it. Cheating. Messing around. Fillandering.

It is the one thing that I don't think I would ever be able to forgive. I say "don't think" because I've never been put in that position and no one ever really knows how they'll react to a situation until they are actually presented with one. I said so much in my dream. I said a lot of things in my dream in between taking extremely deep, long breaths so as not to pass out and continually having to remind my husband that I DID NOT HAVE THE CAPACITY TO ALLOW HIM TO TOUCH ME WHILE HE GROVELLED. He couldn't quite understand how I didn't want to cuddle up while we discussed the fact that he just showed up at our house with two other women to have a threesome. Oh boy, the look on his face when he opened the door and there I was. Hi honey. What's this? I knew right away when his expression turned from boyish and gleefilled to oh my god my wife just caught me and either my life is literally over (because she's going to grab a knife and take me out this minute) or she's going to rake me over the coals before sending me on my way. Either that, or she pretends to forgive me and spends the rest of our years together making me feel like a piece of dirt for all the crap that I've put her through.

Anyhoo.....

Amongst the questions that I had for him:

Is this the first time this has happened? No

Are these the only two wenches you've been with? No, there was a third, but she's no longer in the picture. (yippee...not)

Do you realize that I might possibly never be able to get over this and what that implies? [stunned silence] (I wasn't expecting an answer so that's fine)

Um, do I need to worry about dying from HIV/AIDS or getting some other non-deadly but equally non-friendly disease? (I never got an answer to this one because I woke up)

Under Construction

Be on the lookout for the up and coming website "Warm and Fuzzy". I'm in the process of setting up a site to sell my creations to any interested parties. Now I just have to figure out how to set up the paypal account to receive funds and take pictures of all the yarns and accesories I plan to sell. Wish me luck!

(in the meantime I'm trying to finish 2 scarves for my new mom-in-law before she visits in just over a week [I'm still weirded out by this whole thing so I have to keep my hands busy])

Ode to Chocolate

Oh, how I love thee....

You are there for me when I am feeling down.

You are there for me when I am feeling up.

I love how you smell.

I love how you taste.

I love how you feel when you've melted on my tongue

but I'm still holding you in my mouth

savoring every last little bit.

Sometimes

you are my best friend.

You never

let me down.

Sometimes

I wish I could eat you until I pass out.

Maybe I'll add that

to my list of things to do before I die.

I want a green beer!

Happy St. Patty's Day!

I'm wearing green.....are you?

She blinded me with science

We always listen to "Delilah" on the radio coming home from Jesse's horse riding practices. She has taken a liking to the cheese ball stories that the listeners call-in with. Most of the time I personally have to hold back the tears. I'm not joking. I'm a wimp. It's funny because I never used to be able to cry at any movie or Hallmark commercial. Nowadays I get that familiar lump in my throat at the mere mention of a love story.

During her show each evening, Delilah does endorsements. Tonight she mentioned that Match.com is the perfect place to meet that special someone. It's "scientific" survey must be good because it's even patented. Duh. Of course they patented it. Everyone puts a patent on things that could potentially earn them millions of dollars.

Jesse then asks me, "Can I go there?"

"Where?"

"To Match.com."

"No, it's for adults."

Somebody kill me now before she has her first boyfriend.

Maybe it's just me being a mom, but isn't nine years old a little early to be worrying about boyfriends? She has been preoccupied with it lately. I guess it doesn't help that one of her best friends has a boyfriend. I realize that it's just one of those innocent "we're going together" things. Where maybe you hold hands (ewww cooties) or maybe you just manipulate the boy into doing whatever you want to do on the playground. But still. Nine years old? I was lucky enough to get past my fear of the opposite sex my senior year of high school. My libido forced me to. I certainly was not thinking about doing anything with any boy in the Fourth grade. Not only did they have cooties, but they didn't want to play hopscotch or double dutch jump rope.

In other news, we have an official artist in the family. She received not one, but two awards for a painting that her art teacher entered into a contest. Over 30 schools were involved. Guess who won the Best of Show? Ok, enough bragging for now. Carry on.

We're not in Utah anymore

It's official. I'm hooked. I found out about this show that was on HBO called Big Love. It's a story about a polygamist family and all the intricacies of their relationships with one another.

I first became intrigued with polygamists when I had one visit my home to cut down a tree. One time we were having a yard sale and this nice family was rummaging through our junk. The man was mentioning to my husband that he noticed one of our trees was leaning quite a ways over to the side and should really be cut down before it fell and caused damage. Fortunately, (for him) he does just that for a living. He would be more than willing to give us an estimate on the job. And, oh yeah, you see those 2 beautiful women looking through your stuff? They're both my wives. And I'm planning on adding a third pretty soon.

He was very cocky about it, too. When they left, Ron told me about their conversation. He was a little too intrigued by the whole idea. I put him back in his place (and have done so every time the subject comes up) by telling him that he can barely handle me. Do you really think you could deal with more than one round of PMS every month? I didn't think so.

So this guy comes to chop down our tree. Well, not really chop, but chainsaw it down. He proceeded to let me know that he always brings along another person of the male persuasion so that he is never left alone with any women. This prevents any sort of hanky panky from happening while he's on the job I suppose. The testosterone was dripping off his body. I had to step back. My question is why would he need to go after random women? Doesn't he have enough to keep him busy at home?

After watching the first episode of Big Love (courtesy of our library), I knew they had me. It wasn't the nekkid butt shots or the frequent sex scenes, although those aren't bad. It was more about the relationships and the roles that all of the members of the family fulfill, including the children. I would take this kind of drama over Grey's Anatomy any day. I was over Grey's after the first few episodes of the first season. Anyhoo, I highly recommend it. Just don't put any holds on the DVDs at my library. I can't wait to get to episode 6!

Happiness is.........

dancing like an idiot to the CD "Kid's Bop 5" and getting paid for it. Add getting to wear an Indiana Jones hat with a glittery flower painted on the side (courtesy of Jesse) and a group of 3 year olds and you have yourself a very fine time indeed. At one point, I even had one of the girls chanting, "Go Rooox, Go Rooox!" I didn't think I was that good of a dancer, but I'm not going to argue with a 3 year old.

Have you ever listened to the "Kid's Bop" compilations? I found it at the second hand store for $1. It's a collection of Top Pop Hits that are redone by no-name singers who eerily sound very close to the real thing (and they have a bunch of kids singing background). I wonder if they have Sound Alike contests to find these performers. Not quite the same as Milli Vanilli but the same concept I guess.

I was ok with the Clay Aiken sound alike. I was ok with the Gwen Stephani sound alike. But they pushed the envelope when they tried to fake Justin Timberlake. And Ryan Cabrera. There's no replacing those dudes.

If you were eavesdropping in my car......

... you might have heard this one.

"Umm, mom? If you're on your period, can you do the "blech" thing? You know what I mean, right?"

(Yes I immediately knew what she meant. For those of you that don't, the "blech" thing= sexual relations.)

I didn't want to go too much into detail with my answer. Even though she can come up with these inquisitive questions, she IS only 9 years old.

"Not really. Most people would think it's gross."

"Duh!! I mean, it's blood!"

Will you all join me in prayer for the teacher of her first health class.

********

And then later at home.....

J:"Mom, can I get a water bra?"

R:(huh?)

J:"You DO know what a water bra is, don't you?

R:(yes I know but they don't make them in my size)

R:"So, what do you need a water bra for?"

J:"Well, it pushes your boobs up so they look bigger."

R:"And?"

J:"Well....(blushing, laughing), I know I don't really have boobs, but Lisa's sister has one and Lisa gets to wear it at home sometimes."

R:"Why don't you ask your dad if you can have one."

(Not trying to avoid the question. I just like to amuse myself.)

J:"Daaaaad! Can I have a water bra (laughing because she knows what my intention was)?"

Dad exits room as quickly as his little feet will allow him.

J:"You DOOO know what a water bra is, don't you?!!"

Handmade with Love

If you haven't done so already, pay a visit to Bearette's space to check out her new hat and scarf courtesy of moi. Doesn't she look cute? You, too, could be a recipient next time I come up with a silly contest. Any ideas?

New York City???!!! (think Pace picante sauce)

While I was packing a box to ship off to NYC, the ever inquisitive Jesse entered the room.

"So, who's that for?"

"A friend."

"Like one of your pen pals from the internet?"

"Yep."

"It's going to NEW YORK CITY???!!!"

"Yep."


***Note to Bearette: If the hat's too big, hopefully it will shrink once it's washed. You can machine wash and dry them. Jesse has a matching set identical to yours and she loves them. Her hat is the first that I made and it ended up being too small. I hope you like them. :)