Why Is It?

Why is it that the "Today Show" thought it was a good idea to have Al Roker and Matt Lauer try out the 2-man luege during the Olympics.........AND they wore the spandex?

Why is it that I feel the need to procrastinate and not get my long to-do list done?

Why is it that 7-Elevyn stores have locks on the door?

Why is it that a 33-year old person has to still have acne......right next to the wrinkles?

Why is it that my daughter worries about being 'fat'...........when she's 8-years old and stick thin?

Why is it that there is still a stigma attached to mental illness............when the person with the disease has no more control over it than if they had cancer?

Why is that now that we have advances in the medical field to allow people to live longer.........our (US) social security system is dying?

Why is it that some people still relate breastfeeding to something of a sexual nature and women are asked to not expose themselves in public while trying to nurture their baby?

Why is it that George Bush is an idiot yet he was still reelected?

Why is it that anti-abortion activists murder people to prove their point?

Why is it that people drive to the health club(trying to find the closest parking spot possible) to run/walk on the treadmill?

Why is it that I had a 20-something year old call me mum :) ?

Why is it that my daughter had a dream that I was pregnant?

Why is it that people have a hard time being happy for others when they are successful......but instead are jealous?

Why is it that the internet has connected people all over the world..........yet we usually don't get to know our next door neighbors?

Why is it that I keep asking "Why is it?" ?
Why is it that

They're Real and They're Spectacular!!!!

Jesse had a recent dream that she just had to tell me about.

There were a bunch of people being carried around on stretchers. I was one of those people, very pregnant. I was screaming at everyone at the top of my lungs. Then a doctor came and told me that I had excellent kidneys.

A Delectable Weekend Indeed

Saturday morning hubby and I went to run some errands (kid-free) and stopped at a little diner to get a shake before going home. I had lemon (yummy) and hubby had strawberry. The kids like having a little bit of freedom if we leave them for a couple of hours here and there. They get along really well without killing each other or tearing the house up while we're gone.

Saturday night we gathered the rest of the leaves into piles (yes, we're still dealing with leaves) and had a bonfire after dinner. So instead of making the job of burning leaves into a chore, we're hoping to make it into a few fun evenings of hanging out and yakin' by the fire. Of course we had to break out the marshymallows. We still have a TON of piles to burn so if anyone wants to join in......let me know. We're just a hop, skip, and jump away. Well, for some of you it might be farther, but just load up the kiddies,doggies, or whatever other living creature you can grab hold of and git on over here! (yes, I have gone completely insane)

Sunday we headed up to the Lake Farm Park just outside of Cleveland. We got to watch a horse and dog relay. No, they were not passing the baton to one another. The teams consisted of one horse and one dog. The horse would do it's run, jumping it's jumps. Then the dog would do it's run. Very entertaining. Next up, Jesse got to try out milking a cow. Each kid got to have one squirt off the teat. Woo freaking hoo! I told hubby, "Even though I grew up around a lot of different farm animals, I've never milked anything. Well, except myself." "Nice, really nice."

Did I mention that Sunday morning started out rather pleasant? Hubby says, "I bet the churchies wished they were having as much fun as us. Just think of all that pent up energy that needs to be released."

Go away, GO away, GO AWAY!!!!!

Tonight hubby comes home from work, says a few words to me and the kids, and heads to the hallway. I figured he was headed for the bathroom until I went to tell him dinner was ready. Found him face down on the bed, work clothes still on, on top of the covers. Kids and I had dinner and went to the pool for a couple of hours. It's 11pm and he's still in the SAME EXACT POSITION.

Disclaimer: To those of you that are used to dealing with the normal moods that people normally go through, THIS is not the same. I know from a distance it might seem that way, but it is SO not. I wish it was, believe me. And I'm not just blah, blah, blahing to get the sympathy vote. I just need to get things out so that I can remain the calm, sane parent of this household. Someone needs to feed the children after all.

These are the times that I want to kick that d*mn beast right out of our lives. (note: the beast is what he calls his depression....it's not my pet name for hubby:) ) (and, yes, I just made a :) face, maybe I'm ready to stop being so stubborn and join the rest of the world and start making :) faces all over the place:) )

I've seen this coming the past few days.

Wish me luck......

Easter....before and beyond

This past weekend was magnificent! On Saturday we took the kids fishing to a local pond (Turtle Pond). We all had a great time. The weather was great, it wasn't too busy, and Bobby amolst caught "The Big One". He had it snagged on his line, was pulling it in, and then the line snapped as it made this huge splash. I was the only one that didn't get a good look at it since I was waiting to get a great picture. Jesse enjoyed looking at all the tiny fish swimming around her hook.

On Sunday we went out to lunch and then had the best egg hunt ever. With this much space to hide eggs, the kids were searching for quite some time. With the combination of real and plastic eggs, they had 79 to hunt down. We started out with 80, but hubby decided to place one of them on the outside of squirrel hole on one of the trees. Soon after, the egg rolled into the hole and partway down the tree. At least one squirrel family had a little treat this easter.

We got creative this year and decided to put some different things inside the plastic eggs instead of the usual sugar filled treats. Here are some of our ideas:

• Big, juicy strawberry
• gold fish crackers
• grapes
• cat food (yes, cat food. Hubby's idea as a joke, but the kids absolutely loved it. Jesse said, "You HAVE to do this next year!")
• notes with the following written on them
• one free blizzard
• one video game rental
• one pack of gum

Next year we'll have to think of some more creative ideas ahead of time. 12:00a.m. the night before my brain does not want to work so well.

After the big hunt, we decided to do some yard work (I think hubby was feeling bad after I hurt myself.....hey however the work gets done). Since I was still not in any shape to rake, I had my first lesson on lawn tractor driving. I must say that when I was finished with my lawn tractor duties, I now know why Tim Taylor grunts all the time. I almost *almost* found myself grabbing my crotch, spitting a big 'ol lugie on the freshly cut grass, and sitting down to a nice, big cold one. There's something about those lawn tractors that raises the level of testosterone in your body. I may have to my face to mylist of things to shave if I take over that job too often.

And now for the "beyond Easter" part. Monday I took the kids to go see "Ice Age 2: The Meltdown". We stopped at Home Depot on the way home (I hate that store) to get some wood for my garden boxes. When we returned home, hubby was outside raking (yeah!). I joined in, while cooking dinner on the grill. One of neighbors was out walking his dog and stopped to introduce himself. I love meeting the neighbors but it always seems weird to just go knocking on people's doors to introduce yourself. The spring weather seems to bring people outdoors more often therefore increasing the chances of bumping into one another. We told him our plans of wanting to have a barbeque and bonfire, sort of a block party. He said that's just what this neighborhood needs. There's something about sitting around a fire that gets people talking. It's always been my favorite part of camping. I can't wait to get the marshmallows toastin'! Anyone want to join our party just let me know.......as long as you're not one of those creepy internet lurkers.

Swedish Men are Hot

Have you ever met someone for the first time and wish you could spend hours upon hours with them? I met this Swedish man in the sauna at the "Y" the other day that made me cry....literally. Yes, we were both half-naked, but before you get any ideas this guy is 82 years old and I am not Anna Nicole-ish. He was the sweetest guy ever........and hot (but that might have had something to do with being in the sauna).

He was talking about moving to the States when he was a young boy. Eventually the conversation circled around to when his father died at age 79. He remembers his mother asking, "Do you think he loved me?" At this point he had tears rolling down his face. He said it broke his heart to think that his mother had doubts such as this. He added that he reminds his own wife that he loves her quite often. At this point I have tears brimming in my eyes. Needless to say, I was very touched. This man whom I had just met let me into a very intimate part of his life.

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes

Things are looking up. My neck/back/and shoulder issue has greatly improved. I was a good girl over the weekend and made myself rest and iced it a few times a day (doctor's orders). I went back to the chiro on Monday and he seemed to be happy with the progress I had made. When I went to leave the office, he says, "Now you behave!" I found this to be quite amusing. So instead of leaving the office in tears, I left laughing. Much better.

I think I forgot on my last post to write about why I was in such bad shape to begin with. Last Thursday evening I was raking leaves in the yard. Remember we have 4 1/2 acres filled with oak trees? And last fall the amount of leaves got the better of us. We gave up and decided to attack them in the spring. No more procrastinating. After dinner, I decide to rake more leaves until it got too dark. I thought this might encourage hubby to come out and help me. Wishful thinking. I look inside and see him (once again) sitting at the computer. I'm sure it was real important "stuff" he was surfing for. I peeked my head in and said, "I'm not saying you have to come help me right now, but this is not a one person job." I say this because I know how easy it is for him to just let me do a job by myself without offering to help (ex: bathrooms, mopping, washing anything that doesn't go in dishwasher, vacuuming). If I take care of it, he's off the hook. And of course he gets defensive if I bring up this subject even if I try to do it without being accusing.

So I bring up the subject of the leaves. He responds with, "I'm not coming out to do them right now. That's a weekend thing." Why? Why must it be only a weekend thing? If we get it done during the weekday evenings then we have the whole weekend to do fun stuff. Or nothing. So, of course, I'm now pissed because he won't get off his butt and help me. I start to attack the leaves quite vigorously. My rake is pounding the bushes (that are full of leaves) and the ground cover surrounding the house. It is quite impressive, but probably not too smart.

Next morning I wake up and..............you know the rest of the story.

Things I Done Today

Sleep in until 10 am (kids didn't have school today)

Get in shower, attempt to wash hair, only to realize that if I try to lift my right arm....pain,pAiN, PAIN shooting down my arm, across my shoulder, and into my neck

Finish shower in extreme pain but whatcha gonna do when your all soapy and wet

Attempt to clean up clutter, food crumbs, dirty laundry, clean laundry, etc before Bobby's friend comes over

Order kid's around to do most of the above because I soon realize that not only can I not lift my arm, but I cannot turn my head in any direction either

Get the new fishing poles out of the garage and show the kids how to tie lures, bobbers, and cast off (with as much as I can remember from fishing as a kid)

Lay on couch trying to figure out if this "thing" is going to work it's way out (from past experience I know that it won't but I try to fool myself into thinking so)

Keep avoiding Jesse's requests to go to the neighborhood pond to fish (she's not accepting the fact that I can't move). Her brother doesn't want to take her

Finally break down and call the chiropractor. Got an appointment for 2:30 pm

Try to decide if it's ok to leave Bobby and his friend home alone while I go have Dr. McDreamy fix me. Bobby reassures me it's ok because his friend stays home alone all the time. "He's 15 you know. Yeah, he's been held back a couple of times because of his grades." They're in 7th grade. I knew this boy was too tall to be 12-13 years old.

Attempt to drive myself for my date with Dr. McDreamy. Soon realize that this is not going to be an easy task. I cannot move my head more than an inch or two in either direction. So in order to look before pulling into traffic I have to actually turn my body in the direction that I need to look. This could be very interesting.

The doc checks me over real good and says I'm in the same shape as someone who "got smacked in the head". He worked me over pretty darn good. I had to do my deep breathing exercises that I learned in lamaze class to get through the pain. After he left the room I started to tear up from the pain. This is not like me at all. By the time I am back to my van, I am bawling like a little baby. I had to sit there for 5-10 minutes getting myself calmed down enough to drive home.

Arrive home to the interagation queen, "Can you take me fishing now PLEASE, PLEASE, PUULLEEEZE!" She still is not believing me that I cannot move. I convince her brother to take her and soon as his friend goes home. They had a good time.....lost both bobbers, one lure, saw a bunch of dead carp.

Cooked eggs for coloring tomorrow. Most of them broke while cooking even though I was oh so careful when placing them into the boiling water. I guess it's a case of thin shelled eggs. Does that mean the chickens who layed them are thin skinned?

Help hubby cook dinner (as much as I can): BBQ pork (marinated in terriyaki sauce), baked potatoes, and steamed broccoli. Yum!


Things I Still Gotta Get Done


Call my mom to see how she's doing. I've only talked to her once since her knee operation. She's doing fine and glad to be back home again. I still feel bad for not being able to be there to help out.

Watch one of my movies from the library. It's either "In Her Shoes" or "Me, Myself , and Irene". Probably go with the latter since hubby won't want to watch the chick one. We watched "Reality Bites" last night for the first time. I thought it was pretty good.

Ice my neck and shoulder again before bed (doctor's orders).

Boys will be boys....and that's just plain disgusting!

Boys can be disgusting, can't they? Anyone in agreement with me on this one?

The other day we're eating at a fast food establishment. Hubby's face gets all distorted and he turns away from what he was looking at (only to turn back with an even more disgusted look). He then explains to me what the issue is.

This boy(probably about 9-10 years old, SHOULD know better) who is waiting for his mother to order their food, is licking (yes, I said licking, a word that you do not want to hear of someone standing at a fast food counter) every single spout on the drink dispenser. To his credit, I must say that he was attempting to keep his tongue stretched out under each nozzle as to simply catch the drips of soda. Of course this was too tempting....waiting, waiting, waiting, for the drip to fall.

Hubby did say something to the girl at the counter before we left. She seemed somewhat shocked, maybe just a little surprised. I didn't see anyone moving too quickly to change the nozzles. I wonder if they ever did.

All I have to say is.....PLEASE, someone get this kid a cup!!!!

Ready for Fun Results

Since noone was willing(or bored enough) to participate, here's my answers anyway. Feel free to still play if you choose.

1. What song do you hate getting stuck in your head all day?

Anything where I can only remember one line....and it keeps going over and over and over in my head like a broken record.

2. Have you ever traveled outside of the country you live in.....and if so, where?

Australia (high school band trip.....it was awesome, dude!)

Hawaii (another band trip......don't know if this one counts or not)


3. What's one of your favorite childhood memories?

Swimming at our cousin's house....my parents and grandparents there.....everyone having a great time.

4. What's one song that immediately makes you think of a specific moment in your past.....details?

I have a TON, but the first one that comes to mind is at my wedding. "Love Shack" comes on (I loathe this song) and my grandpa starts doing his little bebop dance. It was so cute that now every time I hear that song I have to sing along and I think of him.

5. What's one smell.....ditto............details?

Musty, summer night air.....riding in the back of my dad's truck (back in the day) on the way home from working at our store all day......the cool breeze blowing through my hair.

Not that anyone cares

Here's a survey I stole just for the fun of it:

1.) When showering, do you start the water & then get in or get in & then start the water?

Start the water first and then curse at the stupid hot water heater because it takes so dang long.

2.) Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?

I can't read with shampoo in my eyes.

3.) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essence commercial?

Only when #4 is involved.

4.) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?

Friday afternoon was the most recent time. Hubby had the afternoon off work, kids were still at school, you get the picture.

5.) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?

No, but I have peed in the shower to save time (am I kidding?)

6.) How old do you look?

Look at my picture and see for yourself. Oh yeah, I haven't posted my ugly mug yet. Too bad.

7). Have you ever smuggled something into America?

Not into the U.S., but I have smuggled fresh fruit across the California border many times. I know, I'm such a rebel.

8.). Do you live in a city with a good sports team?

Now I live somewhere that has major league sports teams, but I could care less. I'd much rather watch college or high school games.

9.). Have you ever finished off the popcorn?

I've started it....AND finished it! Are we still talking about popcorn?

10). How many people do you think would come to your funeral?

Not sure. Does it really matter when you're already dead. Kinda like cemetary plots with a view.

11). How many of them would come just to make sure you're dead?

Hopefully none, but again, it wouldn't really matter much to me at that point. Unless I could haunt them, of course.

12). Do you have more enemies or more friends?

More friends. Unless I have anonymous enemies out there.

13.) Have you ever sent an anonymous letter?

Nope. I received an anonymous V-Day card in elementary school. I figured out who it was though. Some creepy kid.

14.) Can you fix your own car?

I once changed the oil in the car just to be able to say I can change the oil. Now it seems much easier to pay someone else to get greasy.

15.) Have you ever turned someone down for a date?

I don't believe so. I wasn't exactly the hottest chic in school. I HAVE been turned down and it sucks.

16.) Are you smarter than your friends?

If I was, I would be smart enough not to brag about it.

17.) Have you ever stolen anything from your friends?

If I did, I don't remember.....

18.) Have you ever been to jail?

When I took my daycare kids for a field trip. We got to see, Keno the drug dog, sniff out some weed. And the kids got to sit in the holding cell while I took their picture. It was great fun!

19.) Do you like the taste of beer?

Occasionally. I like the smell better. When I was a kid, I would ask my mom if I could "sniff" her beer. I have a thing with smells.

20.) When you see a car accident, do you slow down and try to see?

Sadly, yes. I hope it's just a curiosity thing.

21.) Have you ever given to charity?

Yes. And I would like to start donating my time more also.

22.) Would you kill a dog for $1000?

Depends on the breed..........KIDDING!

23.) Are you in love?

Depends on your meaning of "in love". But I suppose I would have to say yes.

24.) Do you kiss on the first date?

I have......willingly.

Zzzzzzz

My brain has been preoccupied lately while my body was resting. Here are some of the gems:

I am in a hotel pool with Billy Crystal. We are both naked and, well, going at it. My dream self is telling itself, "I like Billy Crystal, but not THIS way." I woke up before anything happened, but unfortunately not soon enough. I may never be able to watch When Harry Met Sally again, which is sad.

I'm at a train station with friends and family. We are trying to help our friend, Kelly Clarkson, make it on the train before it leaves. Very frantic dream. I don't remember if she made it on the train. Unfortunately she didn't belt out a song for our efforts.

I open up our laptop computer. I look down at the keyboard and a few of the buttons are broken. I say something to hubby about the laptop being broken. When he comes over to look at it, the rest of the keys start to contort into strange positions lifting andtwisting and falling to the ground. He starts to softly whimper. It's sort of the reaction one might expect if you had just heard that a loved one had died. Can anyone guess what this one might mean? Pretty easy, huh?

Baby. Oh Baby.

I definitely need to get back to taking care of other people's children. I yearn to change the dirty diapers. I can almost smell them already. Maybe it will help to squelch these feelings.

For some time now, maybe a few years, I have wanted to have a third child. There are many reasons that go through my head, all of them seem rational. I will write them down, go back over them later, and see if they still sound rational. Of course all of this is meaningless because I will never have another child (naturally or adopted). Not because I can no longer bear a child. Not because I am not willing to take in a child that desperately needs a family to call their own. My husband is completely satisfied (maybe not the right word) with two children. He had a vasectomy after our daughter was born. He wanted to do it while I was pregnant. I said what if something goes wrong with the pregnancy? I'm not so sure I was prepared to make such a lasting decision at the time, but because I had just expelled this being from my body I went along with it. Call it the baby blues, hormonal imbalance, or just the recent memory of pain. I agreed to go along with hubby's wishes to never have the chance to bear another child. I was only 24 years old, he was 27. I think that is too young to make that decision.

Hubby was an only child. He was adopted. Never had a dad. Grew up with an emotional and verbally abusive grandma (not officially his grandma but she lived with them and she was old).

I grew up with a mom and a dad. I was the third child and the baby of the family. One of my sister's friends once said we reminded her of the "Walton's" even though we weren't. I think it was because she came from a divorced household, alcoholic mom, you know the rest. So I suppose we probably did look like the Walton's.

So comparing our 2 backgrounds, you can see how there would be some mixed viewpoints. About 3 years ago I made the mistake of suggesting that we take in the baby that my mom had in foster care. I had thought and thought and thought about this for weeks on end. Some of it was fantasizing. Some of it was rational thinking. Then I finally decided to bring it up to hubby and see what his opinion was even though I had a pretty good idea that he would shoot it into the ground but what the hay. My premonitions were correct. He did everything he could to control himself and not go balistic. I could see it in his eyes, his body language, in the popping out of the veins. "I thought we had decided that we were happy with 2 kids? Did we not make that decision when I had the vasectomy? (hint to anyone that is still fertile: you better make damn sure that you don't want any more children before you get clipped and snipped cuz there ain't no going back) I tried to reply with some of the things I had been contemplating over. I don't think I did a very good job. It is hard to be coherent when you have been socked in the stomach. I knew this was probably the response I would get, but I also knew that I needed to get my feelings out in the open. Did I forget to mention that I chose a not so very good time to bring up this subject with him? This was during the beginning of the oh-so-famous downward spirals. He was not doing so well at this time. I had no idea as he was still wearing the mask, but it was kind of like the Phantom of the Opera mask where you can partially see ugly side. The mask was slowly revealing things and I should have taken that as a hint to not bring up such life altering subjects. I still had no clue what he was going through. Did not know the word depression had creeped it's way into our house. Actually, I think it had broken a window in the room at the back of the house and had been hiding under a pile of nasty, dirty laundry for some time. The only thing I did know was that my once loving husband had been slowly turning into someone I did not recognize. And he was not willing or able to discuss adding another member to our family. He still isn't and I believe never will be. I have not spoken of this subject since then and so I am left to discuss it with the cyber world. Thank goodness for blog therapy. Here is my rundown of reasons and thoughts about wanting another child.

1. I love babies-why else would I agree to care for other people's little ones-the rewards FAR outweigh all the nasty diapers, spit up sessions, and green slimy noses.

2. I am the third child in the family. I want my kids to experience having a third sibling and everything that comes with that. The whole dynamic change of the family. My son could have a brother. My daughter could have a sister.

3. The newborn smell. If you haven't smelled it then you won't know what I'm talking about. It is the most entrancing smell there is. I firmly believe that God made babies smell this way to keep the procreation thing going on.

4. I love breastfeeding and fantasize about it. No I'm not psycho. I loved that bonding time with my kids. The feeling of being the one person that could satisfy their most basic need at that time. I must admit that I do NOT miss the whole leaking and having 2 great big wet circles on the front of my shirt in public thing. The rest of it I still crave.

5. I do not like to admit this to myself and have never told anyone before (you should all feel so priveleged), but I have thought that I would be able to have another child if I were with someone else. This thought did not completely come from me. Hubby has said numerous times that he thinks I would be better off without him. This is his depression speaking so I can't take any of it literally. BUT it does get quite difficult to hear that and not start thinking and believing it myself. I know that I must not buy into such thoughts, but on occasion I do. So sue me.

6. My daughter keeps asking if we can have a baby. I told her that Dad thinks 2 kids are enough. I'm not sure if this was the right response, but it is the truth. Should I have told her that Dad AND I don't want any more babies? I didn't go into detail. Just one simple fact. She is pretty mature for an eight year old so I think it's fine. Maybe I'll wait til she's a teenager to tell her that Dad is evil and wants to deprive me......JUST KIDDING people. I am not that loony.

7. When I try to think of the positive reasons to not have any more kids, it's still not enough to make these feelings go away.

8. If there is a God out there, then why would he allow doctors to mutilate men into not being able to procreate? Does God believe in population control? Can I get on somebody's prayer list for a miraculous reattachment of the beloved vans deferens ( I believe that is what it's called...from reading those lovely, color brochures that hubby was so hyped about....never seen anyone so excited about having their crotch ripped to pieces)?

9. I think I may have beaten this horse up enough now.

10. Should we take a poll........To Clip or Not To Clip?........that is the question.

Luke.....I am your father

Good news. I'm back to my old self again. I'm feeling very supportive and understanding.

Hubby is going this afternoon to see if he can get a different mask, one that fits better. The other one was driving him nuts (see I'm not the only one).

We've gone from cuddling.....to fondling (with mask intact, lights off).

That is where I draw the line, though.

I wonder if darth vader was required to remove his helmet before love making?

Some good......some bad

At this moment, my mom is in surgery getting a new knee. The doctor is probably sawing through the bone right now. Nice visual, huh? She was pretty anxious when I talked to her on the phone last night. It was strange with the whole role reversal thing. I had to reassure her that everything will go alright and she'll be back on her feet in no time at all. She really is going to be on her feet soon....within hours of coming out of surgery. That seems amazing to me. After she recovers from this surgery, she will be getting a replacement on the other knee. I feel so bad living this far away and only being able to support her by phone. And the guilt sets in.

My son is going on a 3 day trip with 200 kids from his school to Canada......Ooooh, Canada! I love the national anthem, but NOT when the whiny singer from Rush tries to sing it acappela. He may be Canadian, but it was SO painful to listen to. Anyhow, we have to pack his bag tonight with a bunch of clothes that he may or may not wear and with shower supplies that he may or may not use (he's 12 going on 13, get it?). They are going to see Niagara Falls, head on to Toronto, and fit in a Medieval Times show. I hope he has fun. I hope the kids that keep teasing him at school take a break for the next 3 days.

Anyone ready for some fun?

....and now for some good, old fashioned fun. It's about time.

1. What song do you hate getting stuck in your head all day?

2. Have you ever traveled outside of the country you live in.....and if so, where?

3. What's one of your favorite childhood memories?

4. What's one song that immediately makes you think of a specific moment in your past.....details?

5. What's one smell.....ditto............details?

I'll answer when you're all done responding.

Have fun!

Excuse me if I sound selfish

I would like to first state that I love getting feedback from all of my lovely readers. I would also like to state that this is my space to vent and let out my most current feelings. I do not always like to admit to my feelings, but I have made it a point of writing things out so I can learn from it. Again, I like getting comments and constructive criticism from people. I may not have been ready to receive one of my most recent criticisms, as I was NOT feeling anywhere near being ready to accept the advice.

I feel like I am ALWAYS the one who has to be supportive. Always giving, giving, giving. Well, sometimes people can only take so much. I am tired of trying to be encouraging and supportive to someone who continually beats themself into the ground. "Hey, I reserved a racquetball court for tonight(for the umpteenth time).....you wanna go with us?" "No, not really." His kids have begged him to go. I can understand him turning me down all the time. I'm just the nagging wife. It breaks my heart when I realize that the kids have given up on him and don't even ask him to join us in our fun outings anymore. They've learned that it's not worth it to ask when you already know what the answer is going to be. I'm not ready to give up yet.

I know that what he needs the most is support. He let me know pretty clearly this weekend with a nice sarcastic, "Thanks for your support," after a little discussion before bedtime. He's getting his "darth" mask on and says it wouldn't look so freaky if the top part of it wasn't there. I said, "the whole thing looks freaky if you ask me."

Did we not have long, deep conversations about letting each other know what we're truly feeling? I have struggled with this my whole life. I have always felt that my feelings are not worth being validated. Stuff it down. No one will get hurt that way(except me of course). So am I supposed to not let him know how much the idea of this "thing" bothers me? How I feel that it is just one more step closer to his death? Yes, I realize that this will probably give him more energy during the day and is definitely an improvement to his health. I also realize that it could also be an excuse to not do anything to get this machine out of our bedroom.

I know I'm not a doctor, but I can put two and two together. If a person does not have breathing/snoring problems.......gains a ton of weight.......is now basically suffocating themselves at night......take a guess. I have read a bit about this on the net and everything pretty much points to losing weight=no sleep apnea. There are people out there who are not overweight and unfortunately still have this problem. I do not believe this is the case.

I will finish with stating that I am human. I am also very hormonal right now which does not help matters any. I'm not one to use that as an excuse for my behavior, but it seems like I cannot control my emotions AT ALL for a quarter of each month. I cannot always be the loving, adorable, supportive wife that I strive to be (insert sarcastic smirk here).

Oh yeah, we did figure out a way to still be able to cuddle without getting tangled up in the hoses.