Questions.......anyone???

I'm stealing (or borrowing?) this idea from Frema.

Since I'm not quite in the mood yet to post anything of any relevance, you can all hit me with some questions. I promise I will soon get back to the telling of my adventures in CA (I know you've all been holding your breath). For now, I shall go collect the rest of the leaves/now mulch from last fall before the next batch starts to fall down.


EDITED TO CLEAR UP ANY CONFUSION:

You may ask me any question (or multiple questions) that you would like. Anything goes, but I can refuse to answer if I so choose since this is MY blog. Hit me with the questions! (not quite as catchy as Arsenio's "Hit me with the digits!" but you get the point)

Click

We took the kids to the cheap movie theater yesterday. $1 per ticket. Sweet!

We decided to see Adam Sandler in "Click".

After the movie:

Jesse: "I almost cried. That was so sad on that one part."

Roxanne: "I DID cry. Yes, it was very sad."

Ron: "So did I." (for anyone that knows him and has seen the movie, you'll know why it affected him)

It was one of the most thought provoking movies I've ever seen. And I thought we were just going to watch another goofy Adam Sandler movie. I would have even payed full price to see this one. Now that's saying something!

Let's all go to the Fair!

At the fair today:

A probably 12 year old girl wearing a skin tight shirt that read, "Save a horse, Ride a COWBOY!" Where are her parents???

I was standing in line contemplating what treat I was going to purchase for myself. The frozen banana covered in chocolate and peanuts sounded tasty.....until I saw the lady in front of me get one. I could not picture myself (although when I told Ron later, he said he'd like to witness it) eating this very phallic looking treat on a stick (that one's for you Liz).

In the Belgian horse barn, we witnessed a massive creature. The largest one there, Jay, weighed in at 2300+ pounds and 20 hands in height. That was one big daddy!

I almost threw up on one of the kiddie rides that Jesse talked me into going on. It was called "Dizzy Dinosaur".

One $5 cup of "lemonade" = fill a cup full of ice, add a bunch of sugar and water and half a lemon, shake vigourously.


The term "Elephant Ears" repulses me. I will never purchase one or eat one. It's a pastry people! Stop calling them something they're not.

Creepy carnie guy: keeps wanting everyone getting on ride to give him a high five. I reluctantly did it.....then immediately wondered what non-treatable disease I was going to come down with. I'll keep you guys informed.

I hate porta-potties. Not only because you can't effectively wash up afterwards (I don't trust that rubbing down with anti-bacterial stuff does the job), but why, WHY do they have to put those stupid urinals in every one of them? It makes it virtually impossible to maneuver around without touching some part of your body or clothing onto an area that has been urinated on. I'm convinced that there are no porta-potties in heaven......but hell has them lined up like tin soldiers (of course without any hand sanitizer to "wash up" with).

My daughter was cabitzing with one of the girls in the rabbit building. I think she's finally convinced that she wants to try doing 4-H. We've also decided that when we get goats, it's probably going to be pygmies. First, we have to build a barn. Second, we have to inform Jesse that the barn we are building is only big enough for goats (Ron and I decided that we are not prepared nor ever will be prepared to have a horse so she is only going to take riding lessons). Third, we will have to clean up the aftermath from the tirade. It ain't gonna be pretty.

I love to people watch at the fair. It can be both frightening and entertaining.

Just Wondering

If people with intelligence and athletic ability are respected and glorified for such abilities........then are people whom do not exude these qualities looked down upon? Are they less of a person even if they are doing the best that they can with what they were given?

Just thinking.

Sometimes Love is Enough

We talked. We laughed. We cried. And everything else in between.

The lines of communication are open like they probably have never been before. I think that sometimes it takes an event such as the one we've recently been through, to put a completely different perspective.....on everything.

After discussing it at great length, we have decided that it's time for our blog worlds to collide (as George from Seinfeld would say, "Worlds colliding!"). So for anyone that is interested (oh yeah, I know that all of you will go peeking), here is his blog.

Also, from now on.......hubby=Ron.

I wouldn't want anyone to get confused (namely me).

And here's to the next 15 years

He's home.........that's the only present I need.

Looking Up

Tomorrow is the big day. First thing on the agenda.....Steak-n-Shake (per hubby's request). I talked to him on the phone today (since my chiropractor appt. was right in the middle of visiting hours). He said he's got a Top Ten list of things that he wants to do. He said if he feels up to it, he'd like to go to one of the nature preserves in the area. I'm not telling which one just in case there's any looney stalkers out there (maybe I shouldn't be using that word?). Yesterday, he was able to break free....for 30 minutes. The kids and I went to visit and we were able to check him out. We found a little area outside with some tables and chairs. It was his first breath of fresh air in a week and I believe it was much appreciated. We managed to get a bit wet (actually I looked like I had been in a wet t-shirt contest.....and I was later attacked by my deprived husband.....he said that it would be better to be in jail....at least they get conjugal visits), but it added a bit of excitement to the little family outing.

Jesse has been planning a "romantic dinner with candles for you and dad" for a few days. She and Bobby are going to cook dinner for us. Last time they did this, it was grilled cheese sandwiches. She asked her dad if he would want wine or beer for his drink. Hmmmm, I hope the menu has changed since last time. Grilled cheese and red wine just does not sound like a good combo to me. The ironic part is that she is planning this for Thursday and she had no idea that that's our anniversary. Aaaawww!


**I would like to leave a special note to Mr.Blogger. You suck. If it's not too much to ask, I would like to view my last few posts. I know my readers (or at least some of them) have been able to see them since I keep receiving comments via email. Stop irritating me or I may have to fire you.

I Think I See a Light at the End of the Tunnel (and I think he might too)

I am headed, once again, to the hospital to visit hubby. I will have the kids in tow this time as he requested to see them. He is trying to arrange for a "day pass" or at least a couple of hours pass to get outside and breathe in some fresh air. Supposedly we're looking at Wednesday for his release day. They just increased one of his medications and it will take that long for the doctor to make sure everything is going ok. I was really looking forward to him coming home today, but the doc knows best. I really have a good feeling that the doctors have him on the right track now.

He was always convinced before that no amount of medication would ever help him feel completely well (or anything near that). I was always questioning him about his doctor's appts. (trying not to be smothering but also wanting to make sure he was being truthful with the doctor but not really knowing because I was never at his appointments). "Are you sure there's not anything else they can do for you? Different combinations? Higher doses? Anything?"

**Keeping my fingers crossed that we're going in the right direction. I'll make sure we grab the correct map.**

I Think We Should All Learn to Appreciate What We Have.......Take in a Breath of Fresh Air Next Chance You Get

Anecdotes from today:

I had two requests today that I failed to fulfill. Well, I guess three.
1. "Did you bring me a Blizzard?"
"No, sorry."
I did bring him his dark chocolate M&Ms that he can sprinkle on top of the ice cream cups that
they have stored in the freezer. So maybe I'm off the hook for now.

2. "Did you bring a big blanket so we can hide underneath and do whatever we want?"
"Oops. Sorry."

3. "Maybe we can sneak in the bathroom."
I'll leave it up to your imagination what his specific request was. I'll probably comply later....
just not in the bathroom at a hospital with nurses coming in every 10 minutes.

*****

As hubby was walking me down the hallway to leave, we passed by a woman right smack in the middle of the hallway, sitting in her wheelchair. I smiled as I walked by. She slapped the back of my legs (a playful slap at least) as I passed by. I turned back to see what hubby's response was (at this point I don't think anything is going to surprise me much). He literally skipped past her, giggling (this is a good sign), trying to avoid getting slapped in the behind. When he caught up to me, he said, "I could see it in her eyes what she was up to. Some people are SO predictable."

*****

We have a HUGE hornet's nest in one of the bushes outside. I sent Bobby to mow the lawn and not long after he started mowing, I saw him literally jump off the mower running at full speed. What the heck? I thought maybe the engine started on fire or something. Nope. Just a beehive. I'm hoping to leave it be and let the bees continue to use their home. When they're finishedwith it, then we'll have a cool beehive for some science lessons. I remember one year in school, a teacher brought in part of a paper wasp beehive. He had typed some words onto a portion of the hive. It was cool.

*****

When my mom called tonight to see how things were going, she told me about the time when my dad flipped out. We were on a road trip to Michigan to visit her side of the family. Before it was time to head home, my dad got everything packed up and started talking off the wall about needing to get back home. "We have to leave now!" My mom didn't know what to do. So she and her brother tricked my dad into going to the doctor. My dad refused to take any medication. The doctor told my mom to just smash up the pills and put them in his food. She said she hated doing that, but she was scared to get on the road (all the way back to California) with him in that state of mind.

I think she told me this story to let me know that she somehow understood what I'm going through. I know she means well, but this is SO not as simple as smashing up a few pills and driving home. If only.

*****

"You know that because I get to come home in a few days, it doesn't automatically mean that I'm cured."

"Yeah, I know."

Dear God, do I ever know.

*****

"I have an indecent proposal for you. I'll pay you a million dollars in exchange for 15 minutes with your computer."

He said the nurse was amused but did not accept the offer.

*****

When the nurse unlocked the door to let me out, hubby peeked his head through the doorway (I thought he might get himself in trouble but apparently this was one of the nice nurses) and took in a deep breath. "Aaaahhh, the air is so much fresher out here."

I think he's ready to escape.

*****

Did you hear the one about..........

This uplifted my mood a bit today. It's a joke I heard on the radio coming home from the hospital.

There was this couple that had two beautiful daughters. They were very happy with their children, but one day were discussing how even more wonderful it would be to have a son. Soon after, the wife became pregnant. Wouldn't you know it? She had a baby boy. Right after the birth, the husband headed to the nursery to get a first look at his son. He came back to his wife's room and said, "Our baby is the ugliest baby I've ever seen. We have such beautiful daughters. I can't believe that this child could be my son. Have you been cheating on me?!"

The wife replied, "Not this time."

Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Cover your eyes and run....or stay (your choice)

I have about a million and two things racing through my head right now...give or take. So if you want to click over to someone else's blog right now, go right ahead. Otherwise, bear with me.

I may have transformed myself into a sex goddess overnight. No, I didn't do anything different with my hair or wear make-up or put on slinky clothing. But I could not keep a certain someone from trying to take me right there on the hospital bed. I decided to take Jesse with me since she has some flowers that she wanted to give dad. More than a couple of times during our visit, she exclaimed, "You guys are disgusting. Why do you like to hug and kiss and cuddle? You're just plain disgusting." Good thing she was out in the hallway when he really started going at it. Remember how he said he felt like a "mountain lion at the zoo"? I think it's mating season. He told me to bring a big blanket next time I come so we can hide under it. And don't bring any kids. Sorry, but for some strange reason, I don't feel like going at it in this setting. Just me I guess.

*****
Jesse wanted to hop around the common area room. Another patient came in and started talking to her. She hopped on over to the chairs where hubby and I were sitting. Hubby whispered to her that she didn't have to be scared of anyone here, they're just normal people like me. She said, "Why would I be scared?" I love it. It was simply her instinctive nature. She would have done that no matter what type of stranger it was.

A few seconds later, this same woman crouched down like Jesse and was going to hop along with her. Hubby gave me a "I take that back" look.

*****
He said he tried to sweet talk one of the young nurses into letting him use the computer for a few minutes. "I just wanted to check my email. I think if she had a little more authority, she would have let it happen." When we were walking towards the front door....."You see that computer just sitting there (it was turned on)? It burns me up." Just like a caged animal that has had his internet privileges taken away.
*****

Hotel Seratonin (sang to the tune of Hotel California)

Keep a watch out for this one. He said he actually wants to copywright the lyrics. I don't blame him. They're actually pretty good.

*****

I was actually able to call my mom last night. The first few minutes consisted of me bawling and her reassuring me that she would wait until I could talk. I guess the crying session I had before I dialed the number didn't do much good. Gotta love moms.

*****

Our 15th wedding anniversary is August 17th. I hope we get to spend it together.

*****

"I've been VERY relaxed today. I feel much better. I even came out of my room and talked with some of the other people here." Drugs can be a wonderful thing sometimes.

*****

I stepped on the scale this morning. I'm only 3 pounds above what my driver's license says. I don't think I've been that weight since I first got married. I think I should market the next diet fad: Weight Loss through Anxiety

*****

At times, I can see that the same person is inside the familiar shell that is his body. But I still see that some things have changed, possibly forever. This scares me. A lot. But I'm willing to roll with it.

*****

We have a family friend that is one of the most extreme cases of bipolar. She had an episode about 2 years ago that was quite amazing and disturbing. One of the many things she did during this episode, was to buy major quantitiies of all kinds of items off of QVC with the ingenious plan of selling them at a higher price. Nothing anyone said to her (obviously because she was in a completely insane state of mind) would get through. Everyone else just didn't understand. Her husband could do nothing to prevent this either. She legally could get tons of credit cards (and did) in her name, and charge them all to the hilt. Because they were married, her husband was still responsible for all of this debt. So while she was in the hospital, he and one of their adult daughters had to, one car load at a time, return all of these boxes to the post office. The house and garage was literally so full of boxes, they had to start storing things in the yard until they had a chance to deal with returning the stuff. I bet that was quite entertaining to the men in brown.

I have to make jokes about these things in order to maintain my own sanity. And to prepare myself just in case I become the recipient of every single computer item known to man.

**Note to Liz: In case you are ever in this state of mind, I hope you warn your husband ahead of time that he may be the new co-owner of everything Ebay.

*****
I would love to write about something else, anything else, but my mind will not go there.

*****
I believe the stigma that follows mental illness will never die. I think people will always thinks it's ok to discriminate and make jokes. I would love to take my kids to hubby's company picnic this weekend because it's at a really fun water park and they would love it. But I can't. I know that I can't possibly handle the barrage of questions.....and having to lie. Because if I don't lie, then hubby will never be able to face his office again (he may not anyways,but that's a whole 'nother issue). Think about this the next time you make a non-chalant joke about the "crazies". It's not funny to everyone.

*****

Every time the phone rings, I get a feeling like the grim reaper is calling. I do NOT want to talk on the phone with anyone, but I must answer. If I answer, I will most likely break down into a river of salty discharge. I attempted calling the chiropractor's office yesterday to see if there were any appointments of hubby's that needed to be cancelled. Yep, you guessed it. Big ball of mush. That's me.

*****

I wish I could be as naive as our kids. They really don't understand the gravity of all of this. I'm happy for that. They don't need to be burdened with such things. Bobby has been wrapped up in arranging sleepovers at friend's houses and trying to gel his too curly hair into a spiky hairstyle. Jesse is making a ton of dioramas (African safari, Amish farm, ocean scene, etc) and play nature girl outside. The joys of childhood.

*****
The window company called to arrange when we wanted our windows installed. I set up for Monday and Tuesday. This has been something that we've been anticipating for quite some time. Hubby's going to be coming home........on Monday or Tuesday. I'm not quite sure this a good thing. ALL the freaking windows in our house are being replaced.....even the basement. Now I need to go cover the explosion of computer parts all over the house with blankets and sheets.


I have a ton more rolling around in my head, but I will have to save it for later. Aren't you all so lucky. ;)

Humpty Dumpty..........(where are all those freakin' king's men when you need them?)

First of all, a much appreciated thank you to all of my friends here. This started out as just a place to get my daily struggles and frustrations out, but now is a source of support and love. It's really quite amazing to me how supportive people can be whom I have never met (but hopefully will someday so I can thank you in person).

Today I was able to gather a little more info, so I feel better. Hubby is being proactive in the care that he's receiving. He requested info on all of the meds. that they are giving him. So I went over them with him when I visited. He also told the doctor that he wants a complete rundown of what their plan of actionwill be and what the actual diagnosis is for him before his release from the hospital. Iwas prepared with my list of questions and my backbone intact when I got there today. No need for that, although I did go over the questions with him. He pretty much had already covered all of it with the doc already. They know about his patterns of behaviors. The drugs he is on proves it.

Zoloft- been on it
Wellbutrin- also been on it for a little while
Ativan
Lamictal
and good 'ol......Lithium

He has thought for a while that he might be considered Bipolar 2. We'll see what the doctor says. At least I think they might be on the right path now.

Some excerpts from my visit today:

"I think what I feel most right now comes down to 2 words: confusion and damaged."

"Do whatever you need to do. Whatever is best for you and the kids. If that means not having me in the picture, than I would understand. I would be sad and broken, but I would understand."

"I'm not here because I feel like I need to, but because I want to. You are worth it. You are worth whatever turmoil I have to go through."

"That's still hard for me to believe."

"I don't know if I'll ever be anywhere near the person that you married. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm so confused."

"I wish I could just pull you down on top of me right now. Or maybe we could sneak into the bathroom and I'll bend you over the sink."

"Are you sure they didn't sneak one of those little blue pills into the cocktail? You know the one with the big V on it?"

I've got plenty more, but I'll leave it at that for now.

They are supposedly looking at the possibility of him being released on Monday. If he can watch his P's and Q's and stop making sarcastic jokes. At least he realized this and has been restraining his well intentioned humor. The doctors and nurses on that ward do not take certain things lightly. I guess it's their job after all, but give the guy a break. So, for now, he said they're basically waiting until they feel his suicidal thoughts are not something he is planning on acting on immediately. I guess it's one thing to think about the possibilities, and quite another to feel the need to act on them.

I am a rock. I am a rock. I will keep telling myself this. Over and over and over.

**I've been instructed to sneak in a blizzard from DQ the next time I come. Don't know if it will make it past security or not. Although they haven't even checked my purse at all. I could have been smuggling in nail files and such.**

More of the Same

Thank you all for your wonderful words of support. The past few days have been one heck of a journey. Yesterday when the kids and I visited hubby, he gave me a small note to send to his blog. Just a small something to let all of his blogger friends know that he's still alive. I set up a new email address for myself (and posted it all here for you guys). One that's a little more anonymous than the previous one I had given out to a few people.

One of his people from his blog support group contacted me with concerns. I will take them to heart and am taking all of her suggestions. It's funny how people show up at just the right time sometimes.

I still have not called anyone from my family to tell them what's up. Not embarrassed or anything since they pretty much know of the ongoing issues around here. I just hate getting on the phone and not being able to contain my emotions. Sitting there bawling on the phone does not solve any problems. But I suppose I must at some point.

I fully intended to call my mom last night, but then got stuck on the net. How easy that is. What happened is this.....I email posted hubby's message to his blog. Wanting to make sure that it actually posted(yeah, right), I went to his blog to check. I guess it was me trying to see if there was anything there from the three weeks I was gone. Anything that might be pertinent or helpful in his recovery at this point. I know that he told me he didn't sleep much at all while we were gone. I know that the house looks like a computer store with parts spread to and fro when we got home. I know that he didn't sleep at all the night before we got home. This much he told me. I knew I needed to be worried, but I also wanted to just pass it off as a result of not having us at home. I think that was just one symptom.

So, I looked. I read. I found out pretty much everything that I had suspected. More of the same. The one new thing I found out is the reason he was up all night before our return. He read my whole blog. Am I surprised? No. I figured he would at some point. After all, I told him I wouldn't mind. He wanted to leave me this space. I still have it. I won't change how I use it whether he reads or not. I'm not mad or upset (how could I be?). I only wish that he wouldn't beat himself up so much about it. And I think he took my ranting to heart. He thinks that he's a burden to me and that I would be much happier without him. Well, I'm not going anywhere. I'm a rock. And I won't let this disease ruin him, me, our family, our future, his future. If we are not meant to be together, then that will have to wait until his thoughts are no longer under the influence of his disease. Until then, I will firmly hold with the belief that we ARE and always have been meant for each other. Soul mates or not. Whatever you want to call it, I know that I am better for having spent the last 15 years with him. I think he believes the same (when the beast is not in control). So we will ride out this huge bump in the road.

For now, I feel completely stressed. Not only do I have to remain sane and calm for the kids, I may now have to be the sole breadwinner of the family. Did I mention that I have no clients? I don't know if I'm mentally prepared now to start my business. I am so filled with anxiety it is literally making me sick. I stayed up all night last night. Went to bed at 5 am. Slept for 4 hours and got right back on the computer. Seems I can't do anything else right now. There are a million things that I need to be accomplishing right now and I can't seem to do one. I'm not sure where to start. Hey, what a joy filled post today, eh?

Maybe I should make a list of everything that needs to be done. Then when I accomplish something I can check it off and feel like I did some good. Pat on the back if you will.

Back to Reality

The kids and I went to visit hubby in lock down today. He was cracking jokes left and right (said he must do so or else go "nuts") with the kids. Such as: look around the room and tell me what can be used as a weapon? (hint: clock on wall could be smashed and the jagged shards of plastic used to stab someone or self) Yes, they remove just about everything from the room that could be used to hurt oneself or one of the nurses/doctors/social workers. Here's a quick rundown.....paper bags in the trash cans (you know plastic ones can be quite dangerous), tv is in an industrial strength cabinet, bathroom can only be locked from the outside (just in case it's necessary to stuff the patient in there and lock them up until security shows up)....you get the picture.

I brought in his suitcase loaded with all the items he had requested. It was searched at the nurse's station with a few items confiscated: the strap from his bathroom bag, the ziploc bags with his shampoo toothpaste and toothbrush (I'm not sure what one could do with a quart sized ziploc bag), large plastic garbage bag (I packed it for him to store his dirty clothes in...what was I thinking?), cell phone and charger (apparently the cell phone interferes with all of their 'electronic equipment' and the phone charger has a cord on it).

So for the duration of his stay, he is stuck with using the communal phone which consists of 3-4 cordless (oh yes) phones that are passed between the residents in the whole psych wing. The 2 times that he called me, after just a few minutes of conversation, there was someone in the background asking if he was done because someone else needed to use it. So much for getting filled in on everything that's going on with him (and having any sort of time to be supportive).

I think the next time I go to visit, I'll do it by myself so I can stay longer. The kids needed to visit this time, but now that they've seen where he is and (to them) he's ok, I think it would be easier for everyone if I go alone. The kids were somewhat confused to begin with...."Why does dad have to stay there. If the doctors are just trying to figure out what medicines will work better for him, then why can't he come home?" Neither hubby or I indulged them with all the details. I don't think it would have been fair to them. They know just enough to satisfy their curiosity, but not so much as to be scared. While the kids were goofing off in the room (I'm surprised to mean nurse didn't come lock them in the bathroom), hubby quietly filled me in on the real reason why he admitted himself. I knew it was probably not just the usual "I had the strong urge to run away from life.....drive down the freeway endlessly without looking back" sort of episode. He said he was driving around at lunchtime and was about an eighth of a second from purposely driving head on with the oncoming vehicle. "How easy it would have been to just...BAM....let that one moment take away all the pain....all the anguish". He said he looked inside the oncoming vehicle and could see the family inside....three boys in the back, dad at the wheel, mom on the passenger's side looking around for something on her lap. All of the innocent lives that would have been affected. Not just that family, but our's too of course.

I'm not sure where this leaves us. He is annoyed that he didn't just run and hide somewhere until these feelings passed...like all the other times he's had irrational thoughts. He wants to be home with us to heal with people that love him.....not be in lock down. On the other hand, he said that taking that step and going to the hospital for help is almost like saying "Look! I really am sick!"

He says he wishes that I would just run away from him.....that it would be easier for him to just self-destruct without hurting anyone (yeah right...did you forget that the kids and I would be devastated because we LOVE you?). He doesn't want to hurt us, yet there is really no way around that. If I stay, we get hurt. If I take the kids and run, we get hurt because he really would self-destruct. Is the solution more drugs...better drugs? Currently they have him on six different things which include 2 sedatives. I don't think that's the answer. Neither does he.

He said he had been reading some info off the net about cases of people with depression. I forget the name, but essentially it was people who suffered from depression and were resistant to treatment (meaning their bodies were resistant to any drug cocktails that the docs could come up with). I'm not sure if this is the case with him, but I hope they can find something that will work. This kills me to see him suffering like this. And all the while, he's still worrying about the stress that he's putting onto the kids and I.

I now have to go call my mom (and bawl like a baby) since this has been my only outlet so far. I'm not sure that I will get very far with the conversation since I'm already breaking down just writing this. These are the times when I REALLY wish I didn't live thousands of miles from my family. Sometimes a phone call is not enough. Know what I mean?

Silly Survey (can you say AVOIDING REALITY??)

1) Are you in a relationship with somebody? Yeah, I think you know him....the guy that's temporary locked up with a bunch of crazies.

2) Do you hate more than 3 people? Not personally.

3) How many houses have you lived in? Only 3 until I got married. Since then we've moved way too many times.

4) Favorite candy bar? Depends on my mood....Reese's Peanut Butter Cup is usually the winner though.

5) Favorite shoes? Can't choose just one.

6) Have you ever tripped someone? Not that I know of.....seems pretty juvenile and bullyish.

7) Least favorite school subject? History.....we never learn from our mistakes so why waste time learning about the past.

9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD? No......she can't sing worth a darn.

10) Have you ever thrown up in public? Yes. One time in particular.....grade school......right after lunch....I go to the drinking fountain to take a drink.....threw up canned peaches right into the fountain.....didn't even feel it coming (but hey, at least I got to go home).

11) Name one thing that is always on your mind: Hubby and our life and whether we will ever grow old together.

12) Favorite genre of music? Don't know if I could pick just one.

13) What is your zodiac sign? Scorpio. Birthday: Oct. 24....I will be expecting presents from y'all :)

14) What time were you born? I think it was around 8 pm but I'm too lazy to go look at my birth certificate.

15) Do you like beer? Not usually. Every once in a while I get a craving for a few sips. I like the smell more than the taste.

16) Ever made a prank phone call? Not that I remember.

17) What is the most embarrassing CD you own? Hanson.....the sad part is I bought it a few months ago (at least it was only $1)

18) Are you sarcastic? I try my hardest to be.

19) What are your favorite colors? blue, purple, pink

20) How many watches do you own? 2

21) Summer or winter? I like both, but I guess I like summer most because of swimming, fresh cut grass, camping, beaches, the smell of cocunut suncreen, etc.

23) Favorite color to wear? blue or pink

24) Pepsi or Sprite? diet cherry coke.....but mostly I like water cuz soda makes me feel bloated.

25) What color is your cell phone? silver

26) Where is your second home? my sister's since we live there when we visit.

27) Have you ever slapped someone? don't think so.
28) Have you ever had a cavity? yeah, but now I'm a good girl and get my teeth cleaned regularly and brush twice daily.

29) How many lamps are in your bedroom? 2 (and they actually match now)

30) How many video games do you own? my kids own a ton, but I never play anymore.
31) What was your first pet? Either a chicken or a bunny.

32) Ever had braces? No...lucked out on that one.

33) Do looks matter? I guess to some extent. But what's inside is what really counts (politically correct answer).

34) Do you use chap stick? Yes almost every day. I hate dry lips.

35) Name 3 teachers from High School – Wendel Wendel Wiley (always wore the old man's sweater vest with his Pall Malls in the pocket), Mrs. Gilbert (the WEIRDEST teacher ever....wore a huge clock necklace that was stuck at 2:10), Mr. Dawson (the BEST band teacher ever).

36) American Eagle or Abercombie? Neither.....Old Navy, Mervyn's, Ross, and don't let me forget Target. Oh yeah, I'm a fashion diva baby!

37) Are you too forgiving? Sometimes.

38) How many children do you want? 3, but I'm going to have to be good with the two I have (I am!).

39) Do you own something from Hot Topic? Never been there....never will.

40) Favorite breakfast meal? Veggie omelet.....but I usually have cereal or toast and fruit.

41) Do you own a gun? Not me personally...but there is one in the house (I hate it). Hubby won't get rid of it since it was his mom's. We have it locked up and threw away the ammo long ago.

42) Ever thought you were in love? Once.....still am. (Aaahhh)

43) When was the last time you cried? Today....when the shock of hubby's phone call finally sank in.

44) What did you do 3 nights ago? Sat outside under the stars roasting a marshmallow or two at our campsite.

45) Olive Garden? It's yummy but overpriced. I like family owned italian restaurants.

46) Have you ever called your teacher mommy? No. Have I called my mommy 'teacher'? No. Have I called my daddy 'mommy'? maybe.
47) Have you ever been in a castle? Not a real one.

48) Nicknames? JungleBug. If I gave you the others you might be able to figure out my real name....and then what...MAYHEM!!!!

49) Do you know anyone named Bertha? Yes and she was sooooo BIG (just kidding I don't know any Berthas)

50) Ever been to Kentucky? No. Maybe. I don't remember. Long story. See #60 for the short version.

51) Do you own something from Banana Republic? No. Don't plan to. Too yuppy.

52) Are you thinking about somebody right now? Yeah.....guess who?

53) Have you ever called someone Boo? No.

55) Do you own a diamond ring? My wedding ring. Only one.

56) Are you happy with your life right now? Mostly

57) Do you dye your hair? Yes....gotta cover those greys somehow.

58) Does anyone like you? I think so.

59) What year were you born? 1972

60) What were you doing in May of 1994? Planning my first born's first birthday party with no idea that a month later we would be joining my parents, sister and her 2 kids on a six week cross country road trip.

61) Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD? Yes, they're actually my son's but I like to listen to them and know ALL the words (and am not ashamed).

62) McDonalds or Wendys? Wendy's....they let you choose your sides without charging you extra....although I usually order a big salad. But at least I can get my kids to have something other than fries.

63) Do you like yourself? Mostly....except for the bad parts :)

64) Are you closer to your mother or father? My mom, but I like my dad. Maybe it's a girl thing.

65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex? Eyes (but I also like other yummy stuff).

66) Are you afraid of the dark? Sometimes....right now I'm avoiding walking the trash out to the end of our long driveway....it's 12:30 am.

67) Have you ever eaten paste? No but I've sniffed it plenty....and that good ol' rubber cement. I think I lost more than a few brain cells on that stuff. And my parents thought I never did drugs. I was just sneaky shoving my head inside my desk and getting a whiff here and there.

68) Do you own a webcam? No....don't plan to.....I 've got a teen in the house and a 9 year old who has already printed pictures from playboy (yes, that's my daughter). I don't think we need to add a webcam into the mix.

69) Have you ever stripped? Not for money.

70) Ever broke a bone? Nope.

72) Do you chat on AIM often? Never have.

73) Pringles or Lays? Depends on my mood. Usually pringles, but they can be too salty.

74) Have you ever broken someones heart? Hubby's when we were in high school.

75) Rugrats or Doug? Neither.....idiotic.

76) Full House or The Brady Bunch? Full House....like duh!

77) Did you like your high school guidance counselor? His name was Mr. Long and let's just say I was NOT curious if it was true or not.

78) Has anyone ever called you fat? My daughter. We've been working on her criticism of people. It can be pretty brutal. Especially for the ones that are the closest to her.

79) Do you have a birth mark? One on my right knee that I call my "bean". It looks like a pinto bean. I'll show you if I ever meet you. Oh yeah, it's worth it. I also have a mark on my right arm. My mom used to try to scrub it off when I was a kid. "OUCH! Mom, remember I have a birth mark right there??!!".

80) Do you own a car? A minivan, a truck, and a Toyota Corolla. We're keeping the Toyota for the kids to learn how to drive. It's a stick shift and it also gets good gas mileage.

81) Can you cook? I'm no Julia Child, but I do ok.

82) 3 things that annoy you: Rude people, Inconsiderate people, and WAR (what's it good for?).

83) Do you text message often? Never have. Isn't it easier to just talk to someone if you're on the phone anyways?

84) Money or love? Love (money can't buy it)

85) Do you have any scars? Not any major ones. Just a few small dots on my knees from scrapes as a kid and one on the finger where I had to have a wart surgically removed.

86) What do you want more than anything right now? To have my husband at home and on the right combo of medication to help him live life as normally as possible (and to make those things in his head shut up already).

87) Do you enjoy scary movies? Not usually, but if I'm in the mood I better have someone there beside me.

88) Relationships or one night stands? Relationships.

89) Big Red or Juicy Fruit? Big Red....love anything cinnamon.

90) Do you enjoy greasy food? Not really, pretty much grosses me out anymore.

91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies? I have only seen parts of a couple.

92) Do you own a box of crayons? I have enough crayons to supply a small army (well if they needed to do an art project for some reason).

94) Who was the last person that said they loved you? Hubby when he called me today from the hospital.

95) Who was the last person that made you mad? Hubby...while we were on our camping trip.

96) Who was the last person that made you cry? Hubby (see a pattern).

97) Who was the last person that made you laugh? My son. Thank goodness for my kids. Don't know what I would do without them.

98) Who was the last person that you fell for? Hubby.

99) Who was the last person that instant messaged you? Noone. Never sent one or received one.

100) Who was the last person that called you? Hubby...from the hospital.

I'm a great big sob story....so sue me

I have no idea what to do right now. Racing thoughts, racing thoughts. My mind already running through all the things I may need to prepare for if this is only the beginning of a long run of hospital stays. WHY???? The worst part is I don't know who to aim my anger at? Not hubby. Most certainly not. He is the victim just as much as the kids and I are. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to throw myself on the ground and throw a big hissy fit like a two year old. I hate life right now. And then I feel guilty because there are people out there going through WAY worse things than us right now. But I still feel like I have the right to go through all the range of emotions (and I think I need to to get through this).

The brain and all of it's functions sucks. Why can't mental illness just go away already. I mean really!!!!!

I Knew it Was Coming......just not now

I just received a call that I knew would happen at some point, but it still caught me off guard.

Hubby called to tell me that he was at his therapist's office about ready to head to the psych hospital to be admitted. He had been crying (I could tell from the sniffling) and so I knew something was up as soon as I picked up on my end. He said there were two options he could think of. The other would result in a phone call that he said I probably would not want to receive (ie: police, hospital). I guess I'll take this option, although I'm not sure where to go from here. Wish me luck and lots of boxes of kleenex. I think I'm gonna need both. Now I get to go tell my kids that dad's not coming home tonight (and who knows for how many nights).

Me Broke, Ready to Wipe Stinky Butts

I really do promise to get busy on my story writing. I'm still trying to recover from 4 weeks of not worrying about bill paying, job starting, depression, anxiety, or anything related to real life. It's time to get back to the 'ol grind and I'm not ready yet.

I still have not received ANY calls from the child care referral line from eager parents looking for quality child care. Hopefully they were just waiting til I got back from my vacation to start calling. You think? I hope so. I just paid bills yesterday and I had to take another big chunk out of our dwindling savings. Oops. I hope I don't have to resort to standing on the street corner with a sandwich board that reads, "Will Watch Your Child For Food". Somehow I don't think that's the best way to attract clients.

Anyhoo, I will entertain y'all soon. As soon as I can get my butt back in gear.

Hello, it's me again........

Yes, I'm still alive. I have many tales to tell, but you must wait. I have had three straight weeks of no internet access (gasp). Not counting the one time at my parent's where I was able to check my email at a painfully slow pace and then it crashed. I wrote down all kinds of fun anecdotes in a journal (in which I had too many inquisitive family members asking about). "Yes, I'm keeping a journal." (No, you don't need to know about my blog)

I WILL let you know that I braved wild fires, broken down cars in 110 degree heat on a mountainous road with NO BRAKES (until I laid all my weight on that dang pedal until she stopped), sleeping in the boys room (much to tell about that later), locked keys in the car, lost digital camera, lost sunglasses, lots of cool stories from my usually uptight grandma, an actual tan line (yeah, you heard that right), lots of love from Skippy (and his buddy Lance), and so much more. All of those stories will have to wait. We flew home today and are leaving for our 5 day camping trip. I hope all is well with my fellow bloggers. I vaguely checked in with a few of you, but I must get some sleep now. (Hope everything goes as well as possible for you, Marisa. I'll be thinking of you even though you probably won't be reading this. Fingers crossed.)

Nite, nite. Sleep tight. Don't let the june bugs bite (one more story to tell).